Lately I've been having more and more conversations that involve issues going on in our world today and differing views on whether or not we can ever live in a peaceful world. While many parts of these conversations have been extremely frustrating and mind-boggling to me, I am so happy that I'm having them because they are helping to refine my own beliefs about the world. There is one person in particular that has been essential to this refinement, and while almost all of his views are incredibly right-wing (pro-war, pro-nuclear bombs, no one can touch America, etc.), he has really pushed me past my own comfort zones and helped me to become much more convicted in my own beliefs.
One of the biggest topics we've been discussing is world peace, and whether or not it's truly possible. Let me start off by saying that I absolutely believe it to be, without any doubt in my mind. Now, the thing about world peace is that it's received a bit of a bad reputation. I mean, what do you think of when you hear the words, world and peace in the same sentence? Exactly...all of those pageant girls in the movies saying they want "long walks on the beach, happiness, oh...and world peace," just because it sounds good and gives them a better chance of winning over the judges with a "heartfelt" response. The movie industry (as well as other media sources) has done a fantastic job of making the concept of world peace seem like a dreamy, overly feminine joke. The contestants might as well have said that they want a world filled with fluffy bunnies, rainbows, and bubbles to break with their fingertips. At least this one might seem more believable.
One of the objections my friend had against world peace was that there are some people who truly like hurting others and don't have any feelings of guilt after an act of hate. At first, I was troubled because I didn't know how to dispute this. After a short period of silence and only a scoff and wrinkled brow to show my disagreement, my friend proposed me with this question to help clarify his point:
"What is one of your hobbies?" he asked.
"Painting," I replied.
"Why do you like to paint?"
I smile with enlightenment because I know what he's getting at, and at this point he closes his side of the argument by saying that there are some people in this world that just like to kill or cause injury as one of their hobbies. Just as where my creativity comes from cannot be explained, where someone's instinct to kill also cannot be explained. But there is one main problem that I have with this theory after thinking about it: I believe that EVERYONE is born good, and that evil is learned along the way. Do you really think newborn babies are thinking about harming or killing someone? NO! Somewhere along the way they learn from either their parents, peers or their environment--or all three--that it's okay to kill or that violent feelings are acceptable and that acting upon them is nothing out of the norm. Simply put, if you love inflicting pain upon others, you are extensively broken, and most likely grew up around others who were just as broken with seemingly no other way to release emotion. I refuse to believe that people are born with evil inside of them.
I can't say I blame him for thinking this way, or anyone else who thinks similarly, seeing as almost all of us are brought up to believe that violence and competition are the natural order of things. Just think about it: Darwin gave us survival of the fittest, which, if taken on a basic level only promotes the illusion of scarcity and lack; only the strongest, smartest, most capable ones win. And because no one wants to be left out, we fight, and hoard, and fear that our peers will have more than we do...and then we become separate. We no longer work together to create a symbiotic community where everyone has enough.
It came to me that many people laugh at the idea of world peace because they think we're talking about a perfect world, a utopia. I have to admit that at first I also had this idea in my head, which is why I was having such a hard time "selling" and making sense of it. After ruminating over this for a while, it hit me that living in peace does not mean being perfect. There are people in this world who are committed to peace (monks, youth leaders, meditation gurus, Reiki healers, etc.) who still make mistakes and go through tough times. A perfect world cannot exist because we humans are not perfect. When this realization came to me I breathed a sigh of relief because now I could completely get behind my belief and articulate it more completely.
Let me reiterate this: peace does not mean perfection. Peace means acceptance of the things, people, and situations that are imperfect. Peace means knowing that even if you make mistakes, you did the best you could with what you knew and followed your heart. Peace means that you no longer hold any long-standing grudges or resentments against anyone or anything, because you know that you also had a part to play in the situation; you take full responsibility for your own actions. Peace means knowing that you create your own reality, and that you have the power to change your own life through setting intentions and letting go of attachment. Peace means letting go of fear and trusting that everything happens for a reason, and that there is a bigger and better plan in store for us. Peace comes from loving yourself and being undeniably true to who you are, and knowing that you are enough exactly the way you are.
At the end of the day we all create our own little realities, each of them being right. If my friend believes that everyone will always want to fight and that war is the only answer, he is right. He will attract a life filled with experiences that prove this to be true based on what he wants to see. If I believe that world peace is possible, I am right too. Based on the intentions I hold, the thoughts I have, and the actions I take, I will attract more and more peace into my life and people who are committed to the same goal.
Even if I am completely delusional and may never live to see the day when peace becomes the universal reality, I would rather believe in something that brings me happiness on a daily basis than in something that brings me pain and suffering. Wouldn't you? I am committed to holding a vision where the world resolves conflict without feeling the need to inflict pain on the other, or by dropping bombs that kill millions of innocent people caught in the crossfire. I am committed to maintaining a balance of energy by meditating on a daily basis, grounding myself so that I may be a better human being. I am committed to peace in my own day to day life, and being gentle with myself even when I have moments of anger, judgment and fear.
I realize that if we continue the way we've been going, there is no way world peace is possible. That's why a
major upheaval to the system is required, all of us who are broken need
to become whole, and a commitment to being our true selves needs to be
made...things I know won't happen overnight. I realize that people will still fight over things and people and stupid issues. I realize that people will disagree with each other and have moments of resentment, jealousy, anger, fear, and sadness. I also realize that it may need to get worse before it gets better and that negativity will always be present on some level, but I believe that all of this will have much less power over the individual, therefore the world in the long run.
That's why it all starts with me and you. If you are waiting around hoping for peace while you're sitting on your ass, thinking that you can tear other people down or hold resentment in your heart, you will be waiting for a very long time; it will not come. Living in peace is not a given, it is a choice. When you intend it, think it, then be it, peace will be yours. What are you going to choose?
February 28, 2012
February 07, 2012
In the Spotlight
When we're babies and mere toddlers, we don't care anything at all about what the outside world thinks of us. All we're doing is learning, observing, playing, and giving love. It's completely natural for the world to revolve around us; we accept the attention gladly and without a thought, especially because we didn't have to work very hard at all to receive it. And then for some reason some of us lose sight of that, and we grow up thinking that it's wrong and scary and selfish to be in the spotlight. After a while it becomes so normal to be out of it that you start feeling unworthy of letting your light shine and gracing everyone with your presence.
Well, this is me. I am afraid of the spotlight, of attention, recognition, you name it. Somewhere along the way I started distrusting the attention and praise I was getting, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be due to who I was getting it from or the way in which the attention was given, but in any case I learned to shy away from my true self and play it small in most areas of my life. Now, for those of you who know what my physical attributes are, this will seem a little counter-intuitive. I am incredibly tall and not afraid to wear heels, and due to this fact I command attention when I walk into a room. I can't help it, heads turn. The thing is, I give away that power as soon as I open my mouth; the two just don't sync up.
The thing about fear of self-worth is, if you feel unworthy in one area of your life, chances are that there's some of that energy going on in every other area. I can personally count the ways, and I'll start with the physical. Let's face it: I do not have a "perfect" body. I like to keep a protective layer (or two) of padding around my waist to keep people at an arm's distance, men especially. I cannot tell you how many guys I've "written off" right away because I just know that they're the kind of guy who needs a woman of physical perfection by their side. I cannot tell you how many people have told me I should model due to my height, but I make sure to shut down and deny any possibility of that happening because of my love-handles. Not that I would ever want to make a career out of it, but the truth is, I wouldn't mind being involved in a few photo shoots here and there. There have been so many exciting experiences that I've missed out on all because it's been my belief that only people with perfect bodies are allowed to be the center of attention.
Next is romantic love. Oh man, I keep away from this at all costs, and have done so for my entire life. It's so much easier to be alone and tell yourself and the world that you don't need anyone to make you happy. While I do believe that you absolutely have to know happiness with yourself as a single person, there's a certain point where that becomes an excuse and a reason to push relationships away. It's scary to be in a relationship, to be in love. Why? Because eventually, that person will see all of your dark sides and realize that you are not perfect and leave; you are completely vulnerable to them, giving them the power to take your heart in their hands and crush it. This has happened to me without even being in a serious relationship, why would I risk it actually being in one? Ironically, I've done some really stupid things and made a complete fool out of myself many times in my quest to love and be loved.
Then there's finances and business. This has been the most prominent area of my life lately, which has actually been the reason I started thinking critically about this topic. In my line of work, it is all effort-based. There is no "security" of an hourly wage, no risk of getting fired, but definitely no guarantee of success if you don't fight for it. The thing about being a business owner is that it's a lot like a relationship: it will unabashedly show you all of the areas in which you need to improve and change. You cannot get away without growing into a different person, and you definitely can't make it to the other side unscathed.
One of the main features of this particular business is recognition. This is one of the biggest areas in which I have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times over. I have had to get up in front of a room of 20-30 people and bring up the energy, tell stories and maintain that energy. I've been forced to speak in front of 80-100 people to set the tone for the night, introduce highly successful people, and exude confidence even when it's non-existent. When I'm up there, I cannot escape the spotlight; all eyes are on me, and that is an extremely uncomfortable place for me to be. While I've been forced to improve in this area, I'm still not where I want to be. I have been keeping success at bay for fear of receiving even more recognition than I'm comfortable with. I still feel unworthy of claiming financial independence for myself, and it's a feeling that isn't serving me in any way, shape, or form.
The point of all of this transparency is to say that I've had enough. I'm tired of shrinking away from the light and denying who I really am. I'm tired of settling for less and letting excuses and small victories be enough. I'm tired of being the one that's never truly risked having her heart broken for a chance at love with the right person. I'm tired of always having just barely enough money to get by and travel to a couple of places. I'm tired of giving away my power to people who don't deserve it, and I'm especially tired of putting my own health at risk just because I'm scared of someone else feeling insecure around me. I'm tired of feeling unworthy, period.
With that being said, I'm reclaiming the little girl inside of me that didn't care what anyone said or thought, and letting her inspire my young-adult self. I deserve all the success and love in the world. My dreams and my happiness are worth fighting for; I am worth fighting for. I won't be an easy target for interested suitors. If you're intimidated or feel insecure around me, I refuse to take any further responsibility for that; it's your issue, not mine. I won't do that guilt trip shit to myself anymore. I'm a tall amazon woman, and I absolutely love being one! I don't care how long it takes me to become financially independent--I will get there.
I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be...but that's part of the fun ;) It's time for me to get out of my own way and claim my rightful place in the spotlight.
Well, this is me. I am afraid of the spotlight, of attention, recognition, you name it. Somewhere along the way I started distrusting the attention and praise I was getting, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be due to who I was getting it from or the way in which the attention was given, but in any case I learned to shy away from my true self and play it small in most areas of my life. Now, for those of you who know what my physical attributes are, this will seem a little counter-intuitive. I am incredibly tall and not afraid to wear heels, and due to this fact I command attention when I walk into a room. I can't help it, heads turn. The thing is, I give away that power as soon as I open my mouth; the two just don't sync up.
The thing about fear of self-worth is, if you feel unworthy in one area of your life, chances are that there's some of that energy going on in every other area. I can personally count the ways, and I'll start with the physical. Let's face it: I do not have a "perfect" body. I like to keep a protective layer (or two) of padding around my waist to keep people at an arm's distance, men especially. I cannot tell you how many guys I've "written off" right away because I just know that they're the kind of guy who needs a woman of physical perfection by their side. I cannot tell you how many people have told me I should model due to my height, but I make sure to shut down and deny any possibility of that happening because of my love-handles. Not that I would ever want to make a career out of it, but the truth is, I wouldn't mind being involved in a few photo shoots here and there. There have been so many exciting experiences that I've missed out on all because it's been my belief that only people with perfect bodies are allowed to be the center of attention.
Next is romantic love. Oh man, I keep away from this at all costs, and have done so for my entire life. It's so much easier to be alone and tell yourself and the world that you don't need anyone to make you happy. While I do believe that you absolutely have to know happiness with yourself as a single person, there's a certain point where that becomes an excuse and a reason to push relationships away. It's scary to be in a relationship, to be in love. Why? Because eventually, that person will see all of your dark sides and realize that you are not perfect and leave; you are completely vulnerable to them, giving them the power to take your heart in their hands and crush it. This has happened to me without even being in a serious relationship, why would I risk it actually being in one? Ironically, I've done some really stupid things and made a complete fool out of myself many times in my quest to love and be loved.
Then there's finances and business. This has been the most prominent area of my life lately, which has actually been the reason I started thinking critically about this topic. In my line of work, it is all effort-based. There is no "security" of an hourly wage, no risk of getting fired, but definitely no guarantee of success if you don't fight for it. The thing about being a business owner is that it's a lot like a relationship: it will unabashedly show you all of the areas in which you need to improve and change. You cannot get away without growing into a different person, and you definitely can't make it to the other side unscathed.
One of the main features of this particular business is recognition. This is one of the biggest areas in which I have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times over. I have had to get up in front of a room of 20-30 people and bring up the energy, tell stories and maintain that energy. I've been forced to speak in front of 80-100 people to set the tone for the night, introduce highly successful people, and exude confidence even when it's non-existent. When I'm up there, I cannot escape the spotlight; all eyes are on me, and that is an extremely uncomfortable place for me to be. While I've been forced to improve in this area, I'm still not where I want to be. I have been keeping success at bay for fear of receiving even more recognition than I'm comfortable with. I still feel unworthy of claiming financial independence for myself, and it's a feeling that isn't serving me in any way, shape, or form.
The point of all of this transparency is to say that I've had enough. I'm tired of shrinking away from the light and denying who I really am. I'm tired of settling for less and letting excuses and small victories be enough. I'm tired of being the one that's never truly risked having her heart broken for a chance at love with the right person. I'm tired of always having just barely enough money to get by and travel to a couple of places. I'm tired of giving away my power to people who don't deserve it, and I'm especially tired of putting my own health at risk just because I'm scared of someone else feeling insecure around me. I'm tired of feeling unworthy, period.
With that being said, I'm reclaiming the little girl inside of me that didn't care what anyone said or thought, and letting her inspire my young-adult self. I deserve all the success and love in the world. My dreams and my happiness are worth fighting for; I am worth fighting for. I won't be an easy target for interested suitors. If you're intimidated or feel insecure around me, I refuse to take any further responsibility for that; it's your issue, not mine. I won't do that guilt trip shit to myself anymore. I'm a tall amazon woman, and I absolutely love being one! I don't care how long it takes me to become financially independent--I will get there.
I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be...but that's part of the fun ;) It's time for me to get out of my own way and claim my rightful place in the spotlight.
September 24, 2011
Childhood Nostalgia
When you're growing up, it's easy to think that you're the only one in the
world going through what you're going through (and even as adults, now that I
think about it), that you're the only one in so much pain, and that no one
could ever possibly understand you. And because you think this way, everything
and everyone is such...a huge..deal. It's only until you start getting
out there in the world and seeing different things, different people, different
families, that makes you begin to realize that you're not so alone...that maybe
someone will be able to understand you, and that some people have it
even worse than you do. I don't know about everyone else, but this is how the
process went for me.
In the past three or four years I've held onto only the pain of my childhood, remembering only the things that hurt me or the people/situations from whom or where I picked up all of my bad habits and dysfunctional thinking. Besides a few different occasions, I've never really chosen to remember all of the good things that happened to me or the fun things and events I was a part of growing up. Being with this particular family in Italy has shown a light on how much better my childhood was than I have remembered it to be, because I see so much of my own past-family-life in this one.
When I first arrived, I realized almost immediately some of the same patterns I experienced as a little girl (some of them being not so great) and I was overly sensitive in seeing them take place. I would internally react in a negative way when I felt Cecilia was being wronged: when I felt she was being treated unfairly, when I felt like her parents would overreact to some small, insignificant, rebellious action, or when I felt she wasn't being accepted by her own parents. It was an intense emotion, feeling useless and angry and sad whenever one of these "events" popped up. I felt like I had to defend her, not in front of them, but afterwards when I went to comfort her, to try and make her know that she was loved. And then I realized that I reacted so intensely because I was projecting who I was as a little girl on her: the one who never felt accepted, the one who never felt she could do anything right, the one who never felt loved.
The funny thing is, after I processed, acknowledged and released this feeling of injustice and grief, the projections stopped, the intensity subsided, and I could finally see her as her own person...someone who is on this particular life path for a reason and will become who she is meant to become, just like I am, just like everyone is. She might in fact feel some of the same things I felt growing up, but we are not the same person, and I know that now.
One of the fun things I remember thanks to this family is whistling. Giacomo, the father of Cecilia, whistles (very well, I might add) while he cuts fruit, hangs up laundry, cleans a room, etc. and I feel at home when I hear him whistle. One of the most vivid memories I have is of my dad constantly whistling, and remembering how much I loved it, how much it was a part of my life, and how it made me feel like everything was okay. It was a comforting sound for me growing up, and apparently it still is; I smile every time!
Another similarity is that Giacomo likes to be neat, just like my dad. He will spend a few hours whenever he's home, attentively scrubbing the kitchen counters and other things of this nature, and it makes me chuckle to myself. Almost every guy I know in my life besides these two live like slobs, not giving a damn if their rooms are messy, if their bathrooms have crap caked on the edge of the sink, or if the dishes are piled up like a mountain. I'm not saying that orderly men don't exist, but for now these are the two men I know personally that value a clean home enough to do some work on it themselves. I can't remember a time when my dad's house was a mess for longer than an hour or so, actually. Funny how this is one of the habits I didn't pick up from him growing up ;) I chose to learn that one the hard way much later.
The fact that this family gets together often with their friends and family makes me remember how much my family did when we were younger. Growing up, we were almost always with our cousins, aunt and uncles, grandparents, friends of the family, etc. and we would play fun games and spend our traditional vacation to Indian Cove together. Not to say that we never fought, because believe me, I was the cause of a lot of them back then, but for the most part we got along famously. Even though now we all have our own lives and are not very close anymore, there are some moments and places I will never forget and that will forever have a special place in my heart.
I've also noticed that some of the names I call Cecilia are the exact names my dad used to call my sisters and I as kids. They come out naturally, as if I had transported myself back in time and heard them all over again. Some of these names consist of: bugnut, bugaloo, silly goober, little stinker, etc. I haven't been called these names in ages, and I've never called anyone but her these names, and it made me wonder why. And then it hit me that since I have such a strong bond with this girl, I see her as I would my own daughter, therefore taking on the role of a parent or guardian.
I've heard it said that we recreate our childhoods, but I've never truly understood it until now. This knowledge has always scared me in the past, because I've never wanted to recreate the childhood I had if I were to ever choose to have my own family. But now I'm not so scared. It seems as if I’ve recreated it without having done the work of raising a family myself, and this is the part that I find the most interesting: it doesn’t negatively affect me anymore. After staying with this Italian family, I realize how much they have helped shift my perspective. The best example I can give to explain this is that Giacomo is almost exactly like my father; he is stubborn, short-tempered and impatient, and at first this was all I saw in him, just like this was all that I saw in my father. Now I can see that while he is indeed all of these things, he is also good-hearted, playful and honest, just like mine. He knows how to entertain and keep a conversation going, just like mine. He does the best he can with what he is given, and loves his daughter the way he knows how to love, just like mine.
I’m no longer triggered in the same way when I see or experience an injustice from my childhood, which is how I know that I’ve undergone a major healing. I’ve become quite attached to this family, not only because I feel at home with them, but because they have been essential to my growth as a human being. They have unknowingly showed me what I needed to work on, and now thanks to them, I have a new perspective on my life as a child. These days, not everything is such a huge deal, and in fact, my life flows better than it ever has before. There will probably be more layers of my childhood to peel back and process in the future, but right now I am in a beautiful place. Now I can look back nostalgically and say, “yeah, those were some good times.”
In the past three or four years I've held onto only the pain of my childhood, remembering only the things that hurt me or the people/situations from whom or where I picked up all of my bad habits and dysfunctional thinking. Besides a few different occasions, I've never really chosen to remember all of the good things that happened to me or the fun things and events I was a part of growing up. Being with this particular family in Italy has shown a light on how much better my childhood was than I have remembered it to be, because I see so much of my own past-family-life in this one.
When I first arrived, I realized almost immediately some of the same patterns I experienced as a little girl (some of them being not so great) and I was overly sensitive in seeing them take place. I would internally react in a negative way when I felt Cecilia was being wronged: when I felt she was being treated unfairly, when I felt like her parents would overreact to some small, insignificant, rebellious action, or when I felt she wasn't being accepted by her own parents. It was an intense emotion, feeling useless and angry and sad whenever one of these "events" popped up. I felt like I had to defend her, not in front of them, but afterwards when I went to comfort her, to try and make her know that she was loved. And then I realized that I reacted so intensely because I was projecting who I was as a little girl on her: the one who never felt accepted, the one who never felt she could do anything right, the one who never felt loved.
The funny thing is, after I processed, acknowledged and released this feeling of injustice and grief, the projections stopped, the intensity subsided, and I could finally see her as her own person...someone who is on this particular life path for a reason and will become who she is meant to become, just like I am, just like everyone is. She might in fact feel some of the same things I felt growing up, but we are not the same person, and I know that now.
One of the fun things I remember thanks to this family is whistling. Giacomo, the father of Cecilia, whistles (very well, I might add) while he cuts fruit, hangs up laundry, cleans a room, etc. and I feel at home when I hear him whistle. One of the most vivid memories I have is of my dad constantly whistling, and remembering how much I loved it, how much it was a part of my life, and how it made me feel like everything was okay. It was a comforting sound for me growing up, and apparently it still is; I smile every time!
Another similarity is that Giacomo likes to be neat, just like my dad. He will spend a few hours whenever he's home, attentively scrubbing the kitchen counters and other things of this nature, and it makes me chuckle to myself. Almost every guy I know in my life besides these two live like slobs, not giving a damn if their rooms are messy, if their bathrooms have crap caked on the edge of the sink, or if the dishes are piled up like a mountain. I'm not saying that orderly men don't exist, but for now these are the two men I know personally that value a clean home enough to do some work on it themselves. I can't remember a time when my dad's house was a mess for longer than an hour or so, actually. Funny how this is one of the habits I didn't pick up from him growing up ;) I chose to learn that one the hard way much later.
The fact that this family gets together often with their friends and family makes me remember how much my family did when we were younger. Growing up, we were almost always with our cousins, aunt and uncles, grandparents, friends of the family, etc. and we would play fun games and spend our traditional vacation to Indian Cove together. Not to say that we never fought, because believe me, I was the cause of a lot of them back then, but for the most part we got along famously. Even though now we all have our own lives and are not very close anymore, there are some moments and places I will never forget and that will forever have a special place in my heart.
I've also noticed that some of the names I call Cecilia are the exact names my dad used to call my sisters and I as kids. They come out naturally, as if I had transported myself back in time and heard them all over again. Some of these names consist of: bugnut, bugaloo, silly goober, little stinker, etc. I haven't been called these names in ages, and I've never called anyone but her these names, and it made me wonder why. And then it hit me that since I have such a strong bond with this girl, I see her as I would my own daughter, therefore taking on the role of a parent or guardian.
I've heard it said that we recreate our childhoods, but I've never truly understood it until now. This knowledge has always scared me in the past, because I've never wanted to recreate the childhood I had if I were to ever choose to have my own family. But now I'm not so scared. It seems as if I’ve recreated it without having done the work of raising a family myself, and this is the part that I find the most interesting: it doesn’t negatively affect me anymore. After staying with this Italian family, I realize how much they have helped shift my perspective. The best example I can give to explain this is that Giacomo is almost exactly like my father; he is stubborn, short-tempered and impatient, and at first this was all I saw in him, just like this was all that I saw in my father. Now I can see that while he is indeed all of these things, he is also good-hearted, playful and honest, just like mine. He knows how to entertain and keep a conversation going, just like mine. He does the best he can with what he is given, and loves his daughter the way he knows how to love, just like mine.
I’m no longer triggered in the same way when I see or experience an injustice from my childhood, which is how I know that I’ve undergone a major healing. I’ve become quite attached to this family, not only because I feel at home with them, but because they have been essential to my growth as a human being. They have unknowingly showed me what I needed to work on, and now thanks to them, I have a new perspective on my life as a child. These days, not everything is such a huge deal, and in fact, my life flows better than it ever has before. There will probably be more layers of my childhood to peel back and process in the future, but right now I am in a beautiful place. Now I can look back nostalgically and say, “yeah, those were some good times.”
My favorite little Italian girl...the one who's made this whole thing possible :)
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