Two days before my birthday, I had one of the worst days since I've been here...and it wasn't really all that bad, but it was one of those days where everything pisses you off and you cry for silly and mostly unknown reasons; one where you feel the world is just out to get you and you take everything personally...Anyway, I did something I've never done before and decided to go out and sit on the bridge right next to my apartment and let my journal have it...while crying my eyes out. Well, the crying part wasn't actually intentional but it just happened. I mean, of course I've gone out and journaled in public, but never when I was feeling dark or angry or sad... Normally I would have stayed indoors for fear of looking like a completely broken mess. It was an interesting turn of events for me, for sure. It was the first time I realized I missed my family; missed the comfort of being able to be in my momma's arms and have my hair stroked; missed the unconditional love and acceptance I receive at home. I had to take care of myself half a world away, and while it was uncomfortable, it was the most empowering thing for me to do.
The "bad" day automatically turned into a great one in terms of learning to be autonomous, and writing freely in my journal released a lot of the anger and anguish I was feeling. The point I'm trying to make with telling you this story is that I am growing up. I'm no longer a teenager, and at least for two more months, I'm on my own. It's a huge shift for me. It's weird. Anyone who tells you that turning twenty doesn't mean anything is lying. Well, because my generation is obsessed with turning 21 so that they can drink their brains out and get drunk in public might be reason to have a different story...but I don't care about that stuff so every year means a lot to me. I can no longer blame any anger and angst in present or future on "being a teenager". Damnit! You mean I actually have to take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions?! Sheesh.
I feel like I just got handed a clean slate. I made it through my teen years...phew! Now I get to start over and create the life I want...as an "adult". I don't really know what that means yet, but then again maybe I never will. Being in Italy has thrown many clean slates at me...all of which I've accepted with eager arms and humble gratitude, which is probably why I had the best two days for my birthday that I've ever had in my life.
On Friday (Oct.1st) we went as a group to Sienna and San Gimignano for the day. In my opinion, these are the two most beautiful cities I've yet had the chance to visit for a number of reasons. I had the best time just walking around by myself after the tour guide was done, looking at pretty things, 'hiking' around these cute little mountain pathways, and swinging on a squeaky swing like a five year old. Everything I saw was breathtaking...These two places are absolutely gorgeous. I'll get to the details of both of these places in my next blog, because there's a whole lot more about them that would just lead me on a tangent that's different from what I want to say in this particular post...so the main thing was that I had a beautiful morning and afternoon exploring these cities!
Now mind you, I don't have a watch or a cell phone over here, so I never know what time it is. We were supposed to meet back at the bus at 4:30, and I come strolling in at 4:45, the last one there of course. Luckily, the bus had just barely arrived so no one was pissed because they had to wait for me. As I stepped onto the bus, everyone started singing happy birthday to me, and like normal I blushed and had a huge smile on my face. It was so unexpected which is what made it even that much more special! It was so cute and it made me so happy!
After we got home, I took a shower and got ready for dinner...which Liz treated me to (THANK YOU!!). It was the best dinner ever: Caprese insalata, gnocci ai quattro formaggi, and tiramisu' from Il Teatro! Everything was amazing, including the conversation and wine, and the cameriera (waitress) was a doll. It was the perfect birthday dinner. Lots of laughs and good feelings, and of course, dorky moments! We woke up at 8 in the morning to walk a friend to the train station, and he bought us breakfast (which in Italy consists of coffee and a sugary pastry). Within twenty minutes I found out some really refreshing qualities about this person that both impressed me and reinforced the fact that I'm attracting a different kind of people into my life experience these days; people who are good and surprising and who completely break down the expectations I have of this particular gender and of people in general. What's not to love about that?!
Around 9:30 Liz and I walked over to the ABC school to meet up with a small group (not from our American group) to go on a tour of the Bardini/Boboli Gardens. I had signed up for this for the exact reason of meeting people outside of the normal group and practice my Italian, at the same time walking around somewhere beautiful! And I got exactly what I wanted...people who weren't Italian but who could speak it, so for about 5 hours I spoke nothing but Italian...it was a dream come true! And I was happy that I could understand what everyone was talking about..most of the time anyway. After the tour we went to get lunch at the BEST pizzeria I have yet been to and got everyone's facebook so I could keep in touch with them. We decided on getting together to go out later that same night which got me really excited (and for those of you who know me, you know I'm not usually a 'going out' kind of person, especially late at night).
Liz and I met up with the three of them around 10pm to go to the Lion's Fountain, an American/Irish pub. We had so much fun talking and laughing and speaking different languages (although by this time my Italian was getting a little shlumpy because of how tired I was, and I started understanding less and less as the night went on hehe). I had two drinks in the 4 hours we were there, so everyone that is wondering can just relax :) We met a group of Italian men that thankfully weren't trying to get into any of our pants and we had great and funny conversations with them. It was an awesome evening!
Basically, this has been the best birthday I have ever had in my entire life, as well as the best two days I've ever lived. There were absolutely no 'bad' feelings and everything went more smoothly than I could ever have imagined. I started off my third decade in a great way, and I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people that have been in my life from the beginning, who are in it on this journey with me, and who I will eventually cross paths with. It just wouldn't be the same without any of you, because happiness is meant to be shared.
'Cin cin!!" I am going to rock my twenties...look out world, here I come! :)
I had to read this again... it's such a great post. The fact that your birthday was amazing is absolute proof that things are shifting for you... it seems like your birthdays have always been kinda crummy for one reason or another... for you to have an awesome birthday is truly miraculous!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds so fun, all the socializing and meeting people and talking the different languages, etc. I love picturing you having such a blast! That's so exactly what you should be doing!
And it's so great that you are learning to take care of yourself... realizing that you're your own best friend, counselor, etc. And bless that journal for listening so well to your story.
I love you!