Oh, Amore: Rewriting my Script

Love scares the shit out of me. Wait, let me clarify: Love with a man scares the shit out of me. I've noticed that every time I picture having someone to love and picturing what that might feel like, a very large block pops up. Let me give you a few examples...

The other day, one of my roommates was talking about her line of work and how she gets to meet and work with movie stars on a regular basis. When she was working on Valentine's Day, she told us that when she met one of the handsome actors, he looked her straight in the eyes and held eye contact while they were talking. Right when she said that, this bubble of fear turned in my gut out of nowhere. Why?! It didn't even happen to me; but when I imagined myself in her position, I realized how scared I am of eye contact with attractive men. I don't know why. What am I scared of them seeing when they look into my eyes?

I freak out when I see someone I'm attracted to. The other night at a club, I saw someone who was exactly my type: tall, dark haired, handsome, and complete with facial hair. When all of these characteristics were put together and labeled: perfect, my mind instantly went into overdrive and flashes of mini scenarios entered my brain: what would happen if....what if I....what if HE...what do I say if...I'll look stupid if... It is EXHAUSTING!! All of these ifs and nothing ever happens because I'm so busy thinking about the ifs that I probably miss out on a lot of opportunities, with anyone! And then I wonder why they go for my friends instead of me. I'm so tired of worrying about all of it. Everything. Anything.

And why is it that our society feels like they need a relationship to be happy? Why do I feel like I need one to be complete? Why can't everyone just be enough for themselves and me for myself? I have so much confidence when I'm alone or with friends, but put one guy into the mix and that confidence gets thrown right out the window. It's annoying more than anything. It's like I'm waiting for the relationship that happens in all the movies. I'm waiting for the guy that realizes that he has to have me once he lays eyes on me, no matter what, and he'll do anything to get me. But this only happens in movies. I'm waiting for something ridiculous that will never come.

I'm also in a place where love, amore, is very important and very prominent in the culture. There are 'locks of love' everywhere: all around the river, on chains, written on walls...These 'locks of love' (literally; they take a padlock, write both of their names on it, and lock it forever onto a chain and throw the key into the ocean or river to signify their everlasting love) are extremely important because they represent the bond love has on people. I am also in a place where cheating is the biggest insult and the most painful offense, yet it happens all the time. How am I supposed to believe in these locks of love when they seemingly don't mean anything? How am I supposed to believe in love when the guy who is kissing you turns out to be married, and the guy who's hitting on your friend has a girlfriend?

I have this script with men. It tells me that I can't have the man I want. It tells me that I'm too fat and too tall and too...something to attract 'my type'. It tells me that if a guy is actually maybe interested in me, it's too good to be true. It tells me that I will never be enough for someone. What a difficult, painful script I have written for myself, huh? Poor universe, I have so many conflicting wants and needs that it doesn't know what to give me.

I've learned something really funny about scripts and history since I've been here. I've been learning in my history class that everything is just a story. History books are nothing but a series of stories, and these stories can change depending on what perspective you're reading from. To me, this means that my own personal history is also just a story, a story that I can change with a different perspective. Learning this has inspired me to make my story simple; to simply change what I do not like and what doesn't work and rewrite it. Isn't that what historians do all the time anyway?

So here is to rewriting my script! I have the power to change my perspective on the history I've obtained, and use it for my benefit. My new script tells me that I can have the man I want. It tells me that I'm perfect the way I am...I'm not too anything for anybody, especially 'my type'. It tells me that if a guy is genuinely showing interest, it's because he sees something in me that he likes and wants more of. It tells me that I am enough for someone out there, and that I am enough for myself. It tells me that when someone looks at me straight in the eyes, they will see my unguarded soul, ready to love and be loved.