Love scares the shit out of me. Wait, let me clarify: Love with a man scares the shit out of me. I've noticed that every time I picture having someone to love and picturing what that might feel like, a very large block pops up. Let me give you a few examples...
The other day, one of my roommates was talking about her line of work and how she gets to meet and work with movie stars on a regular basis. When she was working on Valentine's Day, she told us that when she met one of the handsome actors, he looked her straight in the eyes and held eye contact while they were talking. Right when she said that, this bubble of fear turned in my gut out of nowhere. Why?! It didn't even happen to me; but when I imagined myself in her position, I realized how scared I am of eye contact with attractive men. I don't know why. What am I scared of them seeing when they look into my eyes?
I freak out when I see someone I'm attracted to. The other night at a club, I saw someone who was exactly my type: tall, dark haired, handsome, and complete with facial hair. When all of these characteristics were put together and labeled: perfect, my mind instantly went into overdrive and flashes of mini scenarios entered my brain: what would happen if....what if I....what if HE...what do I say if...I'll look stupid if... It is EXHAUSTING!! All of these ifs and nothing ever happens because I'm so busy thinking about the ifs that I probably miss out on a lot of opportunities, with anyone! And then I wonder why they go for my friends instead of me. I'm so tired of worrying about all of it. Everything. Anything.
And why is it that our society feels like they need a relationship to be happy? Why do I feel like I need one to be complete? Why can't everyone just be enough for themselves and me for myself? I have so much confidence when I'm alone or with friends, but put one guy into the mix and that confidence gets thrown right out the window. It's annoying more than anything. It's like I'm waiting for the relationship that happens in all the movies. I'm waiting for the guy that realizes that he has to have me once he lays eyes on me, no matter what, and he'll do anything to get me. But this only happens in movies. I'm waiting for something ridiculous that will never come.
I'm also in a place where love, amore, is very important and very prominent in the culture. There are 'locks of love' everywhere: all around the river, on chains, written on walls...These 'locks of love' (literally; they take a padlock, write both of their names on it, and lock it forever onto a chain and throw the key into the ocean or river to signify their everlasting love) are extremely important because they represent the bond love has on people. I am also in a place where cheating is the biggest insult and the most painful offense, yet it happens all the time. How am I supposed to believe in these locks of love when they seemingly don't mean anything? How am I supposed to believe in love when the guy who is kissing you turns out to be married, and the guy who's hitting on your friend has a girlfriend?
I have this script with men. It tells me that I can't have the man I want. It tells me that I'm too fat and too tall and too...something to attract 'my type'. It tells me that if a guy is actually maybe interested in me, it's too good to be true. It tells me that I will never be enough for someone. What a difficult, painful script I have written for myself, huh? Poor universe, I have so many conflicting wants and needs that it doesn't know what to give me.
I've learned something really funny about scripts and history since I've been here. I've been learning in my history class that everything is just a story. History books are nothing but a series of stories, and these stories can change depending on what perspective you're reading from. To me, this means that my own personal history is also just a story, a story that I can change with a different perspective. Learning this has inspired me to make my story simple; to simply change what I do not like and what doesn't work and rewrite it. Isn't that what historians do all the time anyway?
So here is to rewriting my script! I have the power to change my perspective on the history I've obtained, and use it for my benefit. My new script tells me that I can have the man I want. It tells me that I'm perfect the way I am...I'm not too anything for anybody, especially 'my type'. It tells me that if a guy is genuinely showing interest, it's because he sees something in me that he likes and wants more of. It tells me that I am enough for someone out there, and that I am enough for myself. It tells me that when someone looks at me straight in the eyes, they will see my unguarded soul, ready to love and be loved.
October 18, 2010
October 14, 2010
Semplice: Keepin' Things Simple
For the past couple of weeks, I've been signing up for tutoring with Monica (the boldest, most eccentric Italian woman I have ever met) to help me further my Italian understanding and skill. She assigns extra homework for me on top of regular classwork and an extra hour a week to speak and ask questions only in Italian...I love it! Anyway, the other day she told me to describe the most beautiful vacation I've ever taken, and to write a page. So of course, I did, and I was really proud of myself for writing so much! (hi this is heathers roommate...shes crazy and so much fun...sometimes.) <--message from Liz, my roommate. I was going to delete it but it was just too cute :) Ok, now back to my story. So I wrote a lot, and when I started reading it to her, about every second she gave me an ERR! (like a buzzer) sound. I let out a huff of air in frustration because I thought I had been so careful and done such a great job! What she said next hit me deeper than she could have ever imagined: "Keep it simple, semplice, you are thinking too complicated." Of course, she meant it referring to my homework and to stop thinking in English while translating to Italian, but as usual I took it a couple steps further.
For example, I wrote a sentence in Italian about letting all of my emotions out into a journal on a beach in Hawaii, word for word. She looks at me and says, "no! In English you say 'to let out' emotions. Italians already know that they come out, they just come out, we don't say this in Italian...it is implied." I couldn't keep from laughing! This is part of their culture as well...they are very open about their feelings and with their lives...everything just comes out. Emotions are complicated, but they way they deal with them is very simple--let it all out into the open! There are not enough words to express how much I love this about Italian culture. I admire the honesty, and that fact that they have nothing to hide.When they are mad, you will know. When they are sad, you will know. When they are happy, you will know. Simple.
The point is, I need to think more simply, to be more simple in my everyday life. Sometimes I make things way too complicated and over-think. If I feel angry, let it be. If I feel sad, just let it be. When I'm having the best day of my life, just accept it for it's beauty. Everything just IS. Life is very simple when I really dig deep; on the core level all we need is love and acceptance. Isn't that we're all searching for? All the other stuff doesn't matter as much as we make it matter.
I realized after that day that my life is a lot more "semplice" than I thought it to be before, and honestly, that's because it is! I made getting ready to leave for Italy extremely complicated and difficult. I worked through a lot of self-limitations and fears and feelings of unworthiness to get here. I had many bad days and days filled with immense doubt, but I plugged on anyway. It ended up being the best battle of my life, because it has paved the way for a much easier existence. Now I know that my dreams can be mine, no matter how big the dream. Now I know that all I have to do is take one step at a time towards the life I want to create and let the Universe take care of the rest. All I have to do is put the intention out there and be open to letting it come into my life...and they've been coming to me faster than ever these days. Whatever it is I want to do with my life, I can achieve it. Like Nike says, 'Just Do It.' It's as simple as that! And I am so grateful for the journey I'm taking.
It's funny how the smallest and simplest things you hear can make the biggest difference if you're really listening. I could have taken what Monica said on a strictly surface level, but I was present to how I could turn it into a miracle. When I came back the next day with more simple paragraph, she told me it was better. The amount of mistakes I made in the second paper was significantly less than the amount I made in the first one. It goes to show that life is better in its simplicity. It's time for me to stay present and live more simply, and perhaps we could all use to live a little more semplice.
For example, I wrote a sentence in Italian about letting all of my emotions out into a journal on a beach in Hawaii, word for word. She looks at me and says, "no! In English you say 'to let out' emotions. Italians already know that they come out, they just come out, we don't say this in Italian...it is implied." I couldn't keep from laughing! This is part of their culture as well...they are very open about their feelings and with their lives...everything just comes out. Emotions are complicated, but they way they deal with them is very simple--let it all out into the open! There are not enough words to express how much I love this about Italian culture. I admire the honesty, and that fact that they have nothing to hide.When they are mad, you will know. When they are sad, you will know. When they are happy, you will know. Simple.
The point is, I need to think more simply, to be more simple in my everyday life. Sometimes I make things way too complicated and over-think. If I feel angry, let it be. If I feel sad, just let it be. When I'm having the best day of my life, just accept it for it's beauty. Everything just IS. Life is very simple when I really dig deep; on the core level all we need is love and acceptance. Isn't that we're all searching for? All the other stuff doesn't matter as much as we make it matter.
I realized after that day that my life is a lot more "semplice" than I thought it to be before, and honestly, that's because it is! I made getting ready to leave for Italy extremely complicated and difficult. I worked through a lot of self-limitations and fears and feelings of unworthiness to get here. I had many bad days and days filled with immense doubt, but I plugged on anyway. It ended up being the best battle of my life, because it has paved the way for a much easier existence. Now I know that my dreams can be mine, no matter how big the dream. Now I know that all I have to do is take one step at a time towards the life I want to create and let the Universe take care of the rest. All I have to do is put the intention out there and be open to letting it come into my life...and they've been coming to me faster than ever these days. Whatever it is I want to do with my life, I can achieve it. Like Nike says, 'Just Do It.' It's as simple as that! And I am so grateful for the journey I'm taking.
It's funny how the smallest and simplest things you hear can make the biggest difference if you're really listening. I could have taken what Monica said on a strictly surface level, but I was present to how I could turn it into a miracle. When I came back the next day with more simple paragraph, she told me it was better. The amount of mistakes I made in the second paper was significantly less than the amount I made in the first one. It goes to show that life is better in its simplicity. It's time for me to stay present and live more simply, and perhaps we could all use to live a little more semplice.
October 03, 2010
(20) Twenty (Venti) Years
Two days before my birthday, I had one of the worst days since I've been here...and it wasn't really all that bad, but it was one of those days where everything pisses you off and you cry for silly and mostly unknown reasons; one where you feel the world is just out to get you and you take everything personally...Anyway, I did something I've never done before and decided to go out and sit on the bridge right next to my apartment and let my journal have it...while crying my eyes out. Well, the crying part wasn't actually intentional but it just happened. I mean, of course I've gone out and journaled in public, but never when I was feeling dark or angry or sad... Normally I would have stayed indoors for fear of looking like a completely broken mess. It was an interesting turn of events for me, for sure. It was the first time I realized I missed my family; missed the comfort of being able to be in my momma's arms and have my hair stroked; missed the unconditional love and acceptance I receive at home. I had to take care of myself half a world away, and while it was uncomfortable, it was the most empowering thing for me to do.
The "bad" day automatically turned into a great one in terms of learning to be autonomous, and writing freely in my journal released a lot of the anger and anguish I was feeling. The point I'm trying to make with telling you this story is that I am growing up. I'm no longer a teenager, and at least for two more months, I'm on my own. It's a huge shift for me. It's weird. Anyone who tells you that turning twenty doesn't mean anything is lying. Well, because my generation is obsessed with turning 21 so that they can drink their brains out and get drunk in public might be reason to have a different story...but I don't care about that stuff so every year means a lot to me. I can no longer blame any anger and angst in present or future on "being a teenager". Damnit! You mean I actually have to take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions?! Sheesh.
I feel like I just got handed a clean slate. I made it through my teen years...phew! Now I get to start over and create the life I want...as an "adult". I don't really know what that means yet, but then again maybe I never will. Being in Italy has thrown many clean slates at me...all of which I've accepted with eager arms and humble gratitude, which is probably why I had the best two days for my birthday that I've ever had in my life.
On Friday (Oct.1st) we went as a group to Sienna and San Gimignano for the day. In my opinion, these are the two most beautiful cities I've yet had the chance to visit for a number of reasons. I had the best time just walking around by myself after the tour guide was done, looking at pretty things, 'hiking' around these cute little mountain pathways, and swinging on a squeaky swing like a five year old. Everything I saw was breathtaking...These two places are absolutely gorgeous. I'll get to the details of both of these places in my next blog, because there's a whole lot more about them that would just lead me on a tangent that's different from what I want to say in this particular post...so the main thing was that I had a beautiful morning and afternoon exploring these cities!
Now mind you, I don't have a watch or a cell phone over here, so I never know what time it is. We were supposed to meet back at the bus at 4:30, and I come strolling in at 4:45, the last one there of course. Luckily, the bus had just barely arrived so no one was pissed because they had to wait for me. As I stepped onto the bus, everyone started singing happy birthday to me, and like normal I blushed and had a huge smile on my face. It was so unexpected which is what made it even that much more special! It was so cute and it made me so happy!
After we got home, I took a shower and got ready for dinner...which Liz treated me to (THANK YOU!!). It was the best dinner ever: Caprese insalata, gnocci ai quattro formaggi, and tiramisu' from Il Teatro! Everything was amazing, including the conversation and wine, and the cameriera (waitress) was a doll. It was the perfect birthday dinner. Lots of laughs and good feelings, and of course, dorky moments! We woke up at 8 in the morning to walk a friend to the train station, and he bought us breakfast (which in Italy consists of coffee and a sugary pastry). Within twenty minutes I found out some really refreshing qualities about this person that both impressed me and reinforced the fact that I'm attracting a different kind of people into my life experience these days; people who are good and surprising and who completely break down the expectations I have of this particular gender and of people in general. What's not to love about that?!
Around 9:30 Liz and I walked over to the ABC school to meet up with a small group (not from our American group) to go on a tour of the Bardini/Boboli Gardens. I had signed up for this for the exact reason of meeting people outside of the normal group and practice my Italian, at the same time walking around somewhere beautiful! And I got exactly what I wanted...people who weren't Italian but who could speak it, so for about 5 hours I spoke nothing but Italian...it was a dream come true! And I was happy that I could understand what everyone was talking about..most of the time anyway. After the tour we went to get lunch at the BEST pizzeria I have yet been to and got everyone's facebook so I could keep in touch with them. We decided on getting together to go out later that same night which got me really excited (and for those of you who know me, you know I'm not usually a 'going out' kind of person, especially late at night).
Liz and I met up with the three of them around 10pm to go to the Lion's Fountain, an American/Irish pub. We had so much fun talking and laughing and speaking different languages (although by this time my Italian was getting a little shlumpy because of how tired I was, and I started understanding less and less as the night went on hehe). I had two drinks in the 4 hours we were there, so everyone that is wondering can just relax :) We met a group of Italian men that thankfully weren't trying to get into any of our pants and we had great and funny conversations with them. It was an awesome evening!
Basically, this has been the best birthday I have ever had in my entire life, as well as the best two days I've ever lived. There were absolutely no 'bad' feelings and everything went more smoothly than I could ever have imagined. I started off my third decade in a great way, and I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people that have been in my life from the beginning, who are in it on this journey with me, and who I will eventually cross paths with. It just wouldn't be the same without any of you, because happiness is meant to be shared.
'Cin cin!!" I am going to rock my twenties...look out world, here I come! :)
The "bad" day automatically turned into a great one in terms of learning to be autonomous, and writing freely in my journal released a lot of the anger and anguish I was feeling. The point I'm trying to make with telling you this story is that I am growing up. I'm no longer a teenager, and at least for two more months, I'm on my own. It's a huge shift for me. It's weird. Anyone who tells you that turning twenty doesn't mean anything is lying. Well, because my generation is obsessed with turning 21 so that they can drink their brains out and get drunk in public might be reason to have a different story...but I don't care about that stuff so every year means a lot to me. I can no longer blame any anger and angst in present or future on "being a teenager". Damnit! You mean I actually have to take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions?! Sheesh.
I feel like I just got handed a clean slate. I made it through my teen years...phew! Now I get to start over and create the life I want...as an "adult". I don't really know what that means yet, but then again maybe I never will. Being in Italy has thrown many clean slates at me...all of which I've accepted with eager arms and humble gratitude, which is probably why I had the best two days for my birthday that I've ever had in my life.
On Friday (Oct.1st) we went as a group to Sienna and San Gimignano for the day. In my opinion, these are the two most beautiful cities I've yet had the chance to visit for a number of reasons. I had the best time just walking around by myself after the tour guide was done, looking at pretty things, 'hiking' around these cute little mountain pathways, and swinging on a squeaky swing like a five year old. Everything I saw was breathtaking...These two places are absolutely gorgeous. I'll get to the details of both of these places in my next blog, because there's a whole lot more about them that would just lead me on a tangent that's different from what I want to say in this particular post...so the main thing was that I had a beautiful morning and afternoon exploring these cities!
Now mind you, I don't have a watch or a cell phone over here, so I never know what time it is. We were supposed to meet back at the bus at 4:30, and I come strolling in at 4:45, the last one there of course. Luckily, the bus had just barely arrived so no one was pissed because they had to wait for me. As I stepped onto the bus, everyone started singing happy birthday to me, and like normal I blushed and had a huge smile on my face. It was so unexpected which is what made it even that much more special! It was so cute and it made me so happy!
After we got home, I took a shower and got ready for dinner...which Liz treated me to (THANK YOU!!). It was the best dinner ever: Caprese insalata, gnocci ai quattro formaggi, and tiramisu' from Il Teatro! Everything was amazing, including the conversation and wine, and the cameriera (waitress) was a doll. It was the perfect birthday dinner. Lots of laughs and good feelings, and of course, dorky moments! We woke up at 8 in the morning to walk a friend to the train station, and he bought us breakfast (which in Italy consists of coffee and a sugary pastry). Within twenty minutes I found out some really refreshing qualities about this person that both impressed me and reinforced the fact that I'm attracting a different kind of people into my life experience these days; people who are good and surprising and who completely break down the expectations I have of this particular gender and of people in general. What's not to love about that?!
Around 9:30 Liz and I walked over to the ABC school to meet up with a small group (not from our American group) to go on a tour of the Bardini/Boboli Gardens. I had signed up for this for the exact reason of meeting people outside of the normal group and practice my Italian, at the same time walking around somewhere beautiful! And I got exactly what I wanted...people who weren't Italian but who could speak it, so for about 5 hours I spoke nothing but Italian...it was a dream come true! And I was happy that I could understand what everyone was talking about..most of the time anyway. After the tour we went to get lunch at the BEST pizzeria I have yet been to and got everyone's facebook so I could keep in touch with them. We decided on getting together to go out later that same night which got me really excited (and for those of you who know me, you know I'm not usually a 'going out' kind of person, especially late at night).
Liz and I met up with the three of them around 10pm to go to the Lion's Fountain, an American/Irish pub. We had so much fun talking and laughing and speaking different languages (although by this time my Italian was getting a little shlumpy because of how tired I was, and I started understanding less and less as the night went on hehe). I had two drinks in the 4 hours we were there, so everyone that is wondering can just relax :) We met a group of Italian men that thankfully weren't trying to get into any of our pants and we had great and funny conversations with them. It was an awesome evening!
Basically, this has been the best birthday I have ever had in my entire life, as well as the best two days I've ever lived. There were absolutely no 'bad' feelings and everything went more smoothly than I could ever have imagined. I started off my third decade in a great way, and I'm so thankful for all the wonderful people that have been in my life from the beginning, who are in it on this journey with me, and who I will eventually cross paths with. It just wouldn't be the same without any of you, because happiness is meant to be shared.
'Cin cin!!" I am going to rock my twenties...look out world, here I come! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)