There has been a lot going on lately regarding gay rights and the resistance that's come along with deciding whether or not it should be allowed (again). After what happened with Chik-Fil-A, I was inspired to write about gay rights in general, seeing as I've never written about it for fear of being thought gay myself by others...but then I realized that what others think of me is really none of my business.
Before I dive in, however, I want to make a disclaimer. By writing this blog, I am only stating my own truth and sharing what my personal beliefs are. My intention is not to bash anyone else's or make them wrong or bad. I am here to express myself creatively from a place of love. If you agree with me, that's great; if not, that's okay too--we all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings.
Now that that's been said, I will begin. This topic hits close to home, and when I say close, I mean an asteroid just blew up our house. As most of my peers from high school and beyond know, my mom is lesbian. Yes boys and girls, she likes women. She has been with her partner since I was three years old, so the gay issue has been an ongoing steady presence in my life. In the beginning, it was normal to me and felt completely normal, other than the fact that my father was heartbroken, angry and uptight whenever we (my sisters and I) mentioned the two of them. In my inner world, I couldn't see a problem because I loved them both, and I didn't have the capacity at that time to fully understand the situation.
The first problems I remember encountering in my external world started happening from 6th grade on. Certain people from school started making lude comments about my mom being gay, and that's when shame welcomed itself into my conscious emotions, and made me feel like who my mom was, was wrong. I thought I had been secretive and selective of who I told along the way, but when 8th grade came around and a popular girl caught wind of this, it spread like wildfire. This shame and anger made me say and do things that I was not proud of to the people that made fun of my mom and of me. Some of those actions made me really unpopular with my peers, and I understand why. I was really mean and lashed out, all because I was scared of people thinking that I was the same way and liked girls.
It wasn't until junior and senior year of high school that my inner world started to calm down around the issue. Once I was fully capable of understanding what was going on and feeling a little more comfortable in my own skin, I accepted my mom and her partner for who they were, individually and as a couple. I knew deep down that just because my mom loved a woman didn't mean that I was the same way. Ironically, the minute I became comfortable with the idea, external comments started to fade, because I didn't give them any emotional power. It also helped that my sisters were there the last two years of my high school career; I didn't have to brave it completely alone :)
Needless to say, my journey to acceptance of this issue wasn't an easy one, even when my own mother was part of it, so I understand that not everyone will have or has had an easy time with it. Nowadays, if anyone asks what my family life is like, I'll tell them; I don't have any more qualms regarding my mother's sexual orientation. And as a side note, I'm proud to say that my mom and her partner are still together after 18 years, and are better than ever :) I think that's more than most hetero marriages can account for...just a guess.
When the whole drama with Chik-Fil-A first came out (no pun intended), I have to admit: I was really angry...angrier than I've been with most other anti-gay campaigns. I've never given too much emotional thought to the battle of gay rights in the past, since both of my moms never really gave a hoot about all the hooyah. But I guess this particular campaign caught me at a weak moment, because I was MAD. I thought, seriously? Thousands of people are buying greasy, fatty foods to support this anti-gay company (or rather, the CEO who is anti-gay marriage)?! It just didn't make any sense to me, and I was especially offended by "friends" on Facebook, posting statuses such as, "isn't their leadership great?", blah blah blah. This lead to making feisty comments and loud posts stating my beliefs (which I hardly ever do), which brought me to some intense self-reflection and deep thought. If I had never been this wound up over things of this manner, why was this time different?
I started thinking in terms of the world, not limited to gay rights, because throughout our whole history, we've had uprisings and suppressors of every kind: battle with women's rights and chauvinistic males, abolishment of slavery and slave holders, battle with black rights (after they were no longer slaves on a wide scale) against whites, and now we have moved on to gay rights against religious leaders and politicians. The thing that made my anger fizzle out was the realization that every single one of these battles was won at some point: women received rights, slavery was abolished, blacks eventually ceased to be segregated, and I'm confident that gay's right to marriage will no longer be an issue in the near future.
What each of these groups in the past were doing, was fighting for freedom and the chance to live like they wanted to live without being told what they could and couldn't do, where they could or couldn't go, or who they could or couldn't be. And the worst part is, hate is learned. We are not born hating others, we are taught to do so by our families, our peers, our leaders, etc. to hate certain things, groups of people, and ideas through stereotypes, personal experience, and fear. The best part is, because we learn it, we can also un-learn it.
I heard someone say once that one of the reasons they promote hating certain groups (like gays), is because hate brings people together. While that is obviously true on some level (I mean, just look at how many people went to buy some chicken), the part that bothers me is that people are being "brought together" at the expense of another; someone has to be left out in order for this to happen. Love, on the other hand, leaves out no one. Love is the only force that truly brings people together of every gender, race, sexual orientation, and class.
I get it; it's a lot easier to hate than it is to love for most people, because when you're hating, you're not paying attention to how you're really feeling, which is probably scared, hurt, confused, jealous, or something close to it. Have I hated on certain people and groups before? Yes. I'm not perfect. But what I realized is that whatever or whoever I was hating on only reflected my own fears, insecurities and anger (which all go hand in hand, by the way). We are all human and trying to find our way through this world as best as we know how.
At the end of the day, I don't really believe it's about gay marriage, women vs. men or black vs. white. I believe those are all just surface issues, concealing the core issue of humanity. I believe the core issue we all face is deciding how to live our lives in the most true, authentic way, where we are following our passions, and knowing that that is enough; that WE are enough, exactly the way we are. I have found that when I am happy and living my life the way I want to, I don't have the time nor desire to hate anybody or make people's choices in life my business. It's only when I feel trapped or stuck or inferior that I turn to that stuff to try and make my ego feel better, even though it doesn't really work in the long run.
Having a gay mom has had it's ups and downs, just like every family has, but I appreciate what life lessons it's taught me. Instead of screwing up my life and making me gay, contrary to popular belief, it has made me more accepting and open-minded to those different from myself. I strive to be more accepting every day, especially of myself. I don't always agree with everybody or approve of what they do, but it's THEIR life to live, not mine; their life is none of my business and doesn't affect me unless I let it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to live more and more in love, and less and less in fear. I want to live more as my authentic self on my own unique life path, and let others do the same, wherever they are on theirs. I choose freedom, and all responsibility that comes with it.
The beauty of humanity is this: the human spirit cannot be suppressed forever. Control and hate may be powerful for a while, but it never wins in the end. Humans will always fight to be free, and free they will be.
August 27, 2012
May 17, 2012
Breaking Point
Sometimes, in the quiet moments of the days that pass by, I think about how surreal my life is. I ask myself, is this it? Is this really my life? When I look back on everything I've been through and done, it somehow doesn't feel real. It's almost as if I've been watching myself play out a character in a movie, completely detached.
This feeling all seemed to start when, back in January, I decided to stay home for the summer, instead of going back to Italy to work for the family I lived with last year. This was a monumentally life-changing decision, one that I still don't fully understand, but for some reason it felt like the right thing to do. Just because it feels right in my heart, however, doesn't mean that it was an easy choice, and in fact it is still hard knowing that I let someone else take my place. I grew unbelievably attached to the family, the atmosphere, the language, and everything else about Italy, essentially, and I feel like it's now slowly slipping away.
I realize now that I attached my whole sense of self to this beautiful place, without having established a foundation to build on here in the states. And although it is, without a doubt in my mind, my ultimate dream to live there one day, fully immersed in all that is Italy, I was using it in part, as an escape from the issues I was afraid to face here. When I ripped Italy away from myself, all that remained were those issues, right where I left them, waiting for some serious confrontation.
So here I am, starting over. Who am I without the "ciao bella's" and the "buongiorno's" and the "ma che dici's!?" and of course, the infamous cappuccini? What is Heather made of when she's not getting herself to Italy, being in Italy, or coming home from Italy, only to then repeat the cycle? Who is she when the one dream she's ever been sure of has seemingly been stripped away?
The hardest and most surreal part about all of this is that, what I have discovered so far, I don't necessarily like. I don't like who I am without Italy: I'm lazy, lacking in integrity, confused, unfocused, and filled with doubt. Why was it so easy for me to trust the process of life when it was for Italy, but when it's for myself, I doubt and fear at every turn? I hardly recognize the person I've become in the past few months.
People always say that sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, and that has definitely rung true for me throughout this process. At some point, though, it either: a) literally can't get any worse, or b) you reach the breaking point, where you absolutely cannot continue they way you've been going (unless you want your life to become even more complicated), whether this is due to external circumstances, ones solely internal, or a combination of both.
My breaking point happened about a week ago, when all of the consequences of my actions (or lack thereof) smacked me in the face, hard as a brick. In that moment, I had one of two choices: 1) continue on a downward spiral, or 2) face my fears and change. There was really only one choice for me, and after making the decision to change, things quickly started to shift. The other day, my moment of freedom arrived on a silver platter, perfectly assembled for my mental and emotional health, during a business meeting. While one of the team leaders was speaking to us, a small, quiet voice inside my head, randomly said: it's okay, you can be happy here.
An intense feeling of relief washed over me, because now I could recognize part of why I've been holding myself back for the past few months. I was afraid that if I was happy here, or anywhere else besides Italy for that matter, I would be "giving up" on my dream, or being disloyal. I feared that it would become less and less important to me as my happiness grew elsewhere, and I was too attached to the way Italy made me feel: happy, light, care-free, positive, and courageous--feelings that I've never yet truly allowed myself to experience here in the States. And then I realized how silly this fear was. Why would I limit myself to being happy in only one place? Since at this point I don't know when I'll return to my beloved country, why would I want to spend years and years of my life unhappy, just because I'm living on the "wrong" continent? It doesn't make any sense.
As much as I love Italy and feel at home within it's borders, I need to fall in love with life even within the confines of California, within the confines of the little city I reside in. I want to fall in love with life wherever I am in the world and create a solid foundation from which to build--no dream can be made real on shaky ground. So, here is to discovering who I am and what I'm made of, with no attachments to anything or anyone; stripped down to the very core of my existence, naked to the world.
This feeling all seemed to start when, back in January, I decided to stay home for the summer, instead of going back to Italy to work for the family I lived with last year. This was a monumentally life-changing decision, one that I still don't fully understand, but for some reason it felt like the right thing to do. Just because it feels right in my heart, however, doesn't mean that it was an easy choice, and in fact it is still hard knowing that I let someone else take my place. I grew unbelievably attached to the family, the atmosphere, the language, and everything else about Italy, essentially, and I feel like it's now slowly slipping away.
I realize now that I attached my whole sense of self to this beautiful place, without having established a foundation to build on here in the states. And although it is, without a doubt in my mind, my ultimate dream to live there one day, fully immersed in all that is Italy, I was using it in part, as an escape from the issues I was afraid to face here. When I ripped Italy away from myself, all that remained were those issues, right where I left them, waiting for some serious confrontation.
So here I am, starting over. Who am I without the "ciao bella's" and the "buongiorno's" and the "ma che dici's!?" and of course, the infamous cappuccini? What is Heather made of when she's not getting herself to Italy, being in Italy, or coming home from Italy, only to then repeat the cycle? Who is she when the one dream she's ever been sure of has seemingly been stripped away?
The hardest and most surreal part about all of this is that, what I have discovered so far, I don't necessarily like. I don't like who I am without Italy: I'm lazy, lacking in integrity, confused, unfocused, and filled with doubt. Why was it so easy for me to trust the process of life when it was for Italy, but when it's for myself, I doubt and fear at every turn? I hardly recognize the person I've become in the past few months.
People always say that sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better, and that has definitely rung true for me throughout this process. At some point, though, it either: a) literally can't get any worse, or b) you reach the breaking point, where you absolutely cannot continue they way you've been going (unless you want your life to become even more complicated), whether this is due to external circumstances, ones solely internal, or a combination of both.
My breaking point happened about a week ago, when all of the consequences of my actions (or lack thereof) smacked me in the face, hard as a brick. In that moment, I had one of two choices: 1) continue on a downward spiral, or 2) face my fears and change. There was really only one choice for me, and after making the decision to change, things quickly started to shift. The other day, my moment of freedom arrived on a silver platter, perfectly assembled for my mental and emotional health, during a business meeting. While one of the team leaders was speaking to us, a small, quiet voice inside my head, randomly said: it's okay, you can be happy here.
An intense feeling of relief washed over me, because now I could recognize part of why I've been holding myself back for the past few months. I was afraid that if I was happy here, or anywhere else besides Italy for that matter, I would be "giving up" on my dream, or being disloyal. I feared that it would become less and less important to me as my happiness grew elsewhere, and I was too attached to the way Italy made me feel: happy, light, care-free, positive, and courageous--feelings that I've never yet truly allowed myself to experience here in the States. And then I realized how silly this fear was. Why would I limit myself to being happy in only one place? Since at this point I don't know when I'll return to my beloved country, why would I want to spend years and years of my life unhappy, just because I'm living on the "wrong" continent? It doesn't make any sense.
As much as I love Italy and feel at home within it's borders, I need to fall in love with life even within the confines of California, within the confines of the little city I reside in. I want to fall in love with life wherever I am in the world and create a solid foundation from which to build--no dream can be made real on shaky ground. So, here is to discovering who I am and what I'm made of, with no attachments to anything or anyone; stripped down to the very core of my existence, naked to the world.
February 28, 2012
Living in Peace
Lately I've been having more and more conversations that involve issues going on in our world today and differing views on whether or not we can ever live in a peaceful world. While many parts of these conversations have been extremely frustrating and mind-boggling to me, I am so happy that I'm having them because they are helping to refine my own beliefs about the world. There is one person in particular that has been essential to this refinement, and while almost all of his views are incredibly right-wing (pro-war, pro-nuclear bombs, no one can touch America, etc.), he has really pushed me past my own comfort zones and helped me to become much more convicted in my own beliefs.
One of the biggest topics we've been discussing is world peace, and whether or not it's truly possible. Let me start off by saying that I absolutely believe it to be, without any doubt in my mind. Now, the thing about world peace is that it's received a bit of a bad reputation. I mean, what do you think of when you hear the words, world and peace in the same sentence? Exactly...all of those pageant girls in the movies saying they want "long walks on the beach, happiness, oh...and world peace," just because it sounds good and gives them a better chance of winning over the judges with a "heartfelt" response. The movie industry (as well as other media sources) has done a fantastic job of making the concept of world peace seem like a dreamy, overly feminine joke. The contestants might as well have said that they want a world filled with fluffy bunnies, rainbows, and bubbles to break with their fingertips. At least this one might seem more believable.
One of the objections my friend had against world peace was that there are some people who truly like hurting others and don't have any feelings of guilt after an act of hate. At first, I was troubled because I didn't know how to dispute this. After a short period of silence and only a scoff and wrinkled brow to show my disagreement, my friend proposed me with this question to help clarify his point:
"What is one of your hobbies?" he asked.
"Painting," I replied.
"Why do you like to paint?"
I smile with enlightenment because I know what he's getting at, and at this point he closes his side of the argument by saying that there are some people in this world that just like to kill or cause injury as one of their hobbies. Just as where my creativity comes from cannot be explained, where someone's instinct to kill also cannot be explained. But there is one main problem that I have with this theory after thinking about it: I believe that EVERYONE is born good, and that evil is learned along the way. Do you really think newborn babies are thinking about harming or killing someone? NO! Somewhere along the way they learn from either their parents, peers or their environment--or all three--that it's okay to kill or that violent feelings are acceptable and that acting upon them is nothing out of the norm. Simply put, if you love inflicting pain upon others, you are extensively broken, and most likely grew up around others who were just as broken with seemingly no other way to release emotion. I refuse to believe that people are born with evil inside of them.
I can't say I blame him for thinking this way, or anyone else who thinks similarly, seeing as almost all of us are brought up to believe that violence and competition are the natural order of things. Just think about it: Darwin gave us survival of the fittest, which, if taken on a basic level only promotes the illusion of scarcity and lack; only the strongest, smartest, most capable ones win. And because no one wants to be left out, we fight, and hoard, and fear that our peers will have more than we do...and then we become separate. We no longer work together to create a symbiotic community where everyone has enough.
It came to me that many people laugh at the idea of world peace because they think we're talking about a perfect world, a utopia. I have to admit that at first I also had this idea in my head, which is why I was having such a hard time "selling" and making sense of it. After ruminating over this for a while, it hit me that living in peace does not mean being perfect. There are people in this world who are committed to peace (monks, youth leaders, meditation gurus, Reiki healers, etc.) who still make mistakes and go through tough times. A perfect world cannot exist because we humans are not perfect. When this realization came to me I breathed a sigh of relief because now I could completely get behind my belief and articulate it more completely.
Let me reiterate this: peace does not mean perfection. Peace means acceptance of the things, people, and situations that are imperfect. Peace means knowing that even if you make mistakes, you did the best you could with what you knew and followed your heart. Peace means that you no longer hold any long-standing grudges or resentments against anyone or anything, because you know that you also had a part to play in the situation; you take full responsibility for your own actions. Peace means knowing that you create your own reality, and that you have the power to change your own life through setting intentions and letting go of attachment. Peace means letting go of fear and trusting that everything happens for a reason, and that there is a bigger and better plan in store for us. Peace comes from loving yourself and being undeniably true to who you are, and knowing that you are enough exactly the way you are.
At the end of the day we all create our own little realities, each of them being right. If my friend believes that everyone will always want to fight and that war is the only answer, he is right. He will attract a life filled with experiences that prove this to be true based on what he wants to see. If I believe that world peace is possible, I am right too. Based on the intentions I hold, the thoughts I have, and the actions I take, I will attract more and more peace into my life and people who are committed to the same goal.
Even if I am completely delusional and may never live to see the day when peace becomes the universal reality, I would rather believe in something that brings me happiness on a daily basis than in something that brings me pain and suffering. Wouldn't you? I am committed to holding a vision where the world resolves conflict without feeling the need to inflict pain on the other, or by dropping bombs that kill millions of innocent people caught in the crossfire. I am committed to maintaining a balance of energy by meditating on a daily basis, grounding myself so that I may be a better human being. I am committed to peace in my own day to day life, and being gentle with myself even when I have moments of anger, judgment and fear.
I realize that if we continue the way we've been going, there is no way world peace is possible. That's why a major upheaval to the system is required, all of us who are broken need to become whole, and a commitment to being our true selves needs to be made...things I know won't happen overnight. I realize that people will still fight over things and people and stupid issues. I realize that people will disagree with each other and have moments of resentment, jealousy, anger, fear, and sadness. I also realize that it may need to get worse before it gets better and that negativity will always be present on some level, but I believe that all of this will have much less power over the individual, therefore the world in the long run.
That's why it all starts with me and you. If you are waiting around hoping for peace while you're sitting on your ass, thinking that you can tear other people down or hold resentment in your heart, you will be waiting for a very long time; it will not come. Living in peace is not a given, it is a choice. When you intend it, think it, then be it, peace will be yours. What are you going to choose?
One of the biggest topics we've been discussing is world peace, and whether or not it's truly possible. Let me start off by saying that I absolutely believe it to be, without any doubt in my mind. Now, the thing about world peace is that it's received a bit of a bad reputation. I mean, what do you think of when you hear the words, world and peace in the same sentence? Exactly...all of those pageant girls in the movies saying they want "long walks on the beach, happiness, oh...and world peace," just because it sounds good and gives them a better chance of winning over the judges with a "heartfelt" response. The movie industry (as well as other media sources) has done a fantastic job of making the concept of world peace seem like a dreamy, overly feminine joke. The contestants might as well have said that they want a world filled with fluffy bunnies, rainbows, and bubbles to break with their fingertips. At least this one might seem more believable.
One of the objections my friend had against world peace was that there are some people who truly like hurting others and don't have any feelings of guilt after an act of hate. At first, I was troubled because I didn't know how to dispute this. After a short period of silence and only a scoff and wrinkled brow to show my disagreement, my friend proposed me with this question to help clarify his point:
"What is one of your hobbies?" he asked.
"Painting," I replied.
"Why do you like to paint?"
I smile with enlightenment because I know what he's getting at, and at this point he closes his side of the argument by saying that there are some people in this world that just like to kill or cause injury as one of their hobbies. Just as where my creativity comes from cannot be explained, where someone's instinct to kill also cannot be explained. But there is one main problem that I have with this theory after thinking about it: I believe that EVERYONE is born good, and that evil is learned along the way. Do you really think newborn babies are thinking about harming or killing someone? NO! Somewhere along the way they learn from either their parents, peers or their environment--or all three--that it's okay to kill or that violent feelings are acceptable and that acting upon them is nothing out of the norm. Simply put, if you love inflicting pain upon others, you are extensively broken, and most likely grew up around others who were just as broken with seemingly no other way to release emotion. I refuse to believe that people are born with evil inside of them.
I can't say I blame him for thinking this way, or anyone else who thinks similarly, seeing as almost all of us are brought up to believe that violence and competition are the natural order of things. Just think about it: Darwin gave us survival of the fittest, which, if taken on a basic level only promotes the illusion of scarcity and lack; only the strongest, smartest, most capable ones win. And because no one wants to be left out, we fight, and hoard, and fear that our peers will have more than we do...and then we become separate. We no longer work together to create a symbiotic community where everyone has enough.
It came to me that many people laugh at the idea of world peace because they think we're talking about a perfect world, a utopia. I have to admit that at first I also had this idea in my head, which is why I was having such a hard time "selling" and making sense of it. After ruminating over this for a while, it hit me that living in peace does not mean being perfect. There are people in this world who are committed to peace (monks, youth leaders, meditation gurus, Reiki healers, etc.) who still make mistakes and go through tough times. A perfect world cannot exist because we humans are not perfect. When this realization came to me I breathed a sigh of relief because now I could completely get behind my belief and articulate it more completely.
Let me reiterate this: peace does not mean perfection. Peace means acceptance of the things, people, and situations that are imperfect. Peace means knowing that even if you make mistakes, you did the best you could with what you knew and followed your heart. Peace means that you no longer hold any long-standing grudges or resentments against anyone or anything, because you know that you also had a part to play in the situation; you take full responsibility for your own actions. Peace means knowing that you create your own reality, and that you have the power to change your own life through setting intentions and letting go of attachment. Peace means letting go of fear and trusting that everything happens for a reason, and that there is a bigger and better plan in store for us. Peace comes from loving yourself and being undeniably true to who you are, and knowing that you are enough exactly the way you are.
At the end of the day we all create our own little realities, each of them being right. If my friend believes that everyone will always want to fight and that war is the only answer, he is right. He will attract a life filled with experiences that prove this to be true based on what he wants to see. If I believe that world peace is possible, I am right too. Based on the intentions I hold, the thoughts I have, and the actions I take, I will attract more and more peace into my life and people who are committed to the same goal.
Even if I am completely delusional and may never live to see the day when peace becomes the universal reality, I would rather believe in something that brings me happiness on a daily basis than in something that brings me pain and suffering. Wouldn't you? I am committed to holding a vision where the world resolves conflict without feeling the need to inflict pain on the other, or by dropping bombs that kill millions of innocent people caught in the crossfire. I am committed to maintaining a balance of energy by meditating on a daily basis, grounding myself so that I may be a better human being. I am committed to peace in my own day to day life, and being gentle with myself even when I have moments of anger, judgment and fear.
I realize that if we continue the way we've been going, there is no way world peace is possible. That's why a major upheaval to the system is required, all of us who are broken need to become whole, and a commitment to being our true selves needs to be made...things I know won't happen overnight. I realize that people will still fight over things and people and stupid issues. I realize that people will disagree with each other and have moments of resentment, jealousy, anger, fear, and sadness. I also realize that it may need to get worse before it gets better and that negativity will always be present on some level, but I believe that all of this will have much less power over the individual, therefore the world in the long run.
That's why it all starts with me and you. If you are waiting around hoping for peace while you're sitting on your ass, thinking that you can tear other people down or hold resentment in your heart, you will be waiting for a very long time; it will not come. Living in peace is not a given, it is a choice. When you intend it, think it, then be it, peace will be yours. What are you going to choose?
February 07, 2012
In the Spotlight
When we're babies and mere toddlers, we don't care anything at all about what the outside world thinks of us. All we're doing is learning, observing, playing, and giving love. It's completely natural for the world to revolve around us; we accept the attention gladly and without a thought, especially because we didn't have to work very hard at all to receive it. And then for some reason some of us lose sight of that, and we grow up thinking that it's wrong and scary and selfish to be in the spotlight. After a while it becomes so normal to be out of it that you start feeling unworthy of letting your light shine and gracing everyone with your presence.
Well, this is me. I am afraid of the spotlight, of attention, recognition, you name it. Somewhere along the way I started distrusting the attention and praise I was getting, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be due to who I was getting it from or the way in which the attention was given, but in any case I learned to shy away from my true self and play it small in most areas of my life. Now, for those of you who know what my physical attributes are, this will seem a little counter-intuitive. I am incredibly tall and not afraid to wear heels, and due to this fact I command attention when I walk into a room. I can't help it, heads turn. The thing is, I give away that power as soon as I open my mouth; the two just don't sync up.
The thing about fear of self-worth is, if you feel unworthy in one area of your life, chances are that there's some of that energy going on in every other area. I can personally count the ways, and I'll start with the physical. Let's face it: I do not have a "perfect" body. I like to keep a protective layer (or two) of padding around my waist to keep people at an arm's distance, men especially. I cannot tell you how many guys I've "written off" right away because I just know that they're the kind of guy who needs a woman of physical perfection by their side. I cannot tell you how many people have told me I should model due to my height, but I make sure to shut down and deny any possibility of that happening because of my love-handles. Not that I would ever want to make a career out of it, but the truth is, I wouldn't mind being involved in a few photo shoots here and there. There have been so many exciting experiences that I've missed out on all because it's been my belief that only people with perfect bodies are allowed to be the center of attention.
Next is romantic love. Oh man, I keep away from this at all costs, and have done so for my entire life. It's so much easier to be alone and tell yourself and the world that you don't need anyone to make you happy. While I do believe that you absolutely have to know happiness with yourself as a single person, there's a certain point where that becomes an excuse and a reason to push relationships away. It's scary to be in a relationship, to be in love. Why? Because eventually, that person will see all of your dark sides and realize that you are not perfect and leave; you are completely vulnerable to them, giving them the power to take your heart in their hands and crush it. This has happened to me without even being in a serious relationship, why would I risk it actually being in one? Ironically, I've done some really stupid things and made a complete fool out of myself many times in my quest to love and be loved.
Then there's finances and business. This has been the most prominent area of my life lately, which has actually been the reason I started thinking critically about this topic. In my line of work, it is all effort-based. There is no "security" of an hourly wage, no risk of getting fired, but definitely no guarantee of success if you don't fight for it. The thing about being a business owner is that it's a lot like a relationship: it will unabashedly show you all of the areas in which you need to improve and change. You cannot get away without growing into a different person, and you definitely can't make it to the other side unscathed.
One of the main features of this particular business is recognition. This is one of the biggest areas in which I have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times over. I have had to get up in front of a room of 20-30 people and bring up the energy, tell stories and maintain that energy. I've been forced to speak in front of 80-100 people to set the tone for the night, introduce highly successful people, and exude confidence even when it's non-existent. When I'm up there, I cannot escape the spotlight; all eyes are on me, and that is an extremely uncomfortable place for me to be. While I've been forced to improve in this area, I'm still not where I want to be. I have been keeping success at bay for fear of receiving even more recognition than I'm comfortable with. I still feel unworthy of claiming financial independence for myself, and it's a feeling that isn't serving me in any way, shape, or form.
The point of all of this transparency is to say that I've had enough. I'm tired of shrinking away from the light and denying who I really am. I'm tired of settling for less and letting excuses and small victories be enough. I'm tired of being the one that's never truly risked having her heart broken for a chance at love with the right person. I'm tired of always having just barely enough money to get by and travel to a couple of places. I'm tired of giving away my power to people who don't deserve it, and I'm especially tired of putting my own health at risk just because I'm scared of someone else feeling insecure around me. I'm tired of feeling unworthy, period.
With that being said, I'm reclaiming the little girl inside of me that didn't care what anyone said or thought, and letting her inspire my young-adult self. I deserve all the success and love in the world. My dreams and my happiness are worth fighting for; I am worth fighting for. I won't be an easy target for interested suitors. If you're intimidated or feel insecure around me, I refuse to take any further responsibility for that; it's your issue, not mine. I won't do that guilt trip shit to myself anymore. I'm a tall amazon woman, and I absolutely love being one! I don't care how long it takes me to become financially independent--I will get there.
I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be...but that's part of the fun ;) It's time for me to get out of my own way and claim my rightful place in the spotlight.
Well, this is me. I am afraid of the spotlight, of attention, recognition, you name it. Somewhere along the way I started distrusting the attention and praise I was getting, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be due to who I was getting it from or the way in which the attention was given, but in any case I learned to shy away from my true self and play it small in most areas of my life. Now, for those of you who know what my physical attributes are, this will seem a little counter-intuitive. I am incredibly tall and not afraid to wear heels, and due to this fact I command attention when I walk into a room. I can't help it, heads turn. The thing is, I give away that power as soon as I open my mouth; the two just don't sync up.
The thing about fear of self-worth is, if you feel unworthy in one area of your life, chances are that there's some of that energy going on in every other area. I can personally count the ways, and I'll start with the physical. Let's face it: I do not have a "perfect" body. I like to keep a protective layer (or two) of padding around my waist to keep people at an arm's distance, men especially. I cannot tell you how many guys I've "written off" right away because I just know that they're the kind of guy who needs a woman of physical perfection by their side. I cannot tell you how many people have told me I should model due to my height, but I make sure to shut down and deny any possibility of that happening because of my love-handles. Not that I would ever want to make a career out of it, but the truth is, I wouldn't mind being involved in a few photo shoots here and there. There have been so many exciting experiences that I've missed out on all because it's been my belief that only people with perfect bodies are allowed to be the center of attention.
Next is romantic love. Oh man, I keep away from this at all costs, and have done so for my entire life. It's so much easier to be alone and tell yourself and the world that you don't need anyone to make you happy. While I do believe that you absolutely have to know happiness with yourself as a single person, there's a certain point where that becomes an excuse and a reason to push relationships away. It's scary to be in a relationship, to be in love. Why? Because eventually, that person will see all of your dark sides and realize that you are not perfect and leave; you are completely vulnerable to them, giving them the power to take your heart in their hands and crush it. This has happened to me without even being in a serious relationship, why would I risk it actually being in one? Ironically, I've done some really stupid things and made a complete fool out of myself many times in my quest to love and be loved.
Then there's finances and business. This has been the most prominent area of my life lately, which has actually been the reason I started thinking critically about this topic. In my line of work, it is all effort-based. There is no "security" of an hourly wage, no risk of getting fired, but definitely no guarantee of success if you don't fight for it. The thing about being a business owner is that it's a lot like a relationship: it will unabashedly show you all of the areas in which you need to improve and change. You cannot get away without growing into a different person, and you definitely can't make it to the other side unscathed.
One of the main features of this particular business is recognition. This is one of the biggest areas in which I have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times over. I have had to get up in front of a room of 20-30 people and bring up the energy, tell stories and maintain that energy. I've been forced to speak in front of 80-100 people to set the tone for the night, introduce highly successful people, and exude confidence even when it's non-existent. When I'm up there, I cannot escape the spotlight; all eyes are on me, and that is an extremely uncomfortable place for me to be. While I've been forced to improve in this area, I'm still not where I want to be. I have been keeping success at bay for fear of receiving even more recognition than I'm comfortable with. I still feel unworthy of claiming financial independence for myself, and it's a feeling that isn't serving me in any way, shape, or form.
The point of all of this transparency is to say that I've had enough. I'm tired of shrinking away from the light and denying who I really am. I'm tired of settling for less and letting excuses and small victories be enough. I'm tired of being the one that's never truly risked having her heart broken for a chance at love with the right person. I'm tired of always having just barely enough money to get by and travel to a couple of places. I'm tired of giving away my power to people who don't deserve it, and I'm especially tired of putting my own health at risk just because I'm scared of someone else feeling insecure around me. I'm tired of feeling unworthy, period.
With that being said, I'm reclaiming the little girl inside of me that didn't care what anyone said or thought, and letting her inspire my young-adult self. I deserve all the success and love in the world. My dreams and my happiness are worth fighting for; I am worth fighting for. I won't be an easy target for interested suitors. If you're intimidated or feel insecure around me, I refuse to take any further responsibility for that; it's your issue, not mine. I won't do that guilt trip shit to myself anymore. I'm a tall amazon woman, and I absolutely love being one! I don't care how long it takes me to become financially independent--I will get there.
I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be...but that's part of the fun ;) It's time for me to get out of my own way and claim my rightful place in the spotlight.
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