In the Spotlight

When we're babies and mere toddlers, we don't care anything at all about what the outside world thinks of us. All we're doing is learning, observing, playing, and giving love. It's completely natural for the world to revolve around us; we accept the attention gladly and without a thought, especially because we didn't have to work very hard at all to receive it. And then for some reason some of us lose sight of that, and we grow up thinking that it's wrong and scary and selfish to be in the spotlight. After a while it becomes so normal to be out of it that you start feeling unworthy of letting your light shine and gracing everyone with your presence.

Well, this is me. I am afraid of the spotlight, of attention, recognition, you name it. Somewhere along the way I started distrusting the attention and praise I was getting, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be due to who I was getting it from or the way in which the attention was given, but in any case I learned to shy away from my true self and play it small in most areas of my life. Now, for those of you who know what my physical attributes are, this will seem a little counter-intuitive. I am incredibly tall and not afraid to wear heels, and due to this fact I command attention when I walk into a room. I can't help it, heads turn. The thing is, I give away that power as soon as I open my mouth; the two just don't sync up.

The thing about fear of self-worth is, if you feel unworthy in one area of your life, chances are that there's some of that energy going on in every other area. I can personally count the ways, and I'll start with the physical. Let's face it: I do not have a "perfect" body. I like to keep a protective layer (or two) of padding around my waist to keep people at an arm's distance, men especially. I cannot tell you how many guys I've "written off" right away because I just know that they're the kind of guy who needs a woman of physical perfection by their side. I cannot tell you how many people have told me I should model due to my height, but I make sure to shut down and deny any possibility of that happening because of my love-handles. Not that I would ever want to make a career out of it, but the truth is, I wouldn't mind being involved in a few photo shoots here and there.  There have been so many exciting experiences that I've missed out on all because it's been my belief that only people with perfect bodies are allowed to be the center of attention.

Next is romantic love. Oh man, I keep away from this at all costs, and have done so for my entire life. It's so much easier to be alone and tell yourself and the world that you don't need anyone to make you happy. While I do believe that you absolutely have to know happiness with yourself as a single person, there's a certain point where that becomes an excuse and a reason to push relationships away. It's scary to be in a relationship, to be in love. Why? Because eventually, that person will see all of your dark sides and realize that you are not perfect and leave; you are completely vulnerable to them, giving them the power to take your heart in their hands and crush it. This has happened to me without even being in a serious relationship, why would I risk it actually being in one? Ironically, I've done some really stupid things and made a complete fool out of myself many times in my quest to love and be loved.

Then there's finances and business. This has been the most prominent area of my life lately, which has actually been the reason I started thinking critically about this topic. In my line of work, it is all effort-based. There is no "security" of an hourly wage, no risk of getting fired, but definitely no guarantee of success if you don't fight for it. The thing about being a business owner is that it's a lot like a relationship: it will unabashedly show you all of the areas in which you need to improve and change. You cannot get away without growing into a different person, and you definitely can't make it to the other side unscathed.

One of the main features of this particular business is recognition. This is one of the biggest areas in which I have been pushed out of my comfort zone many times over. I have had to get up in front of a room of 20-30 people and bring up the energy, tell stories and maintain that energy. I've been forced to speak in front of 80-100 people to set the tone for the night, introduce highly successful people, and exude confidence even when it's non-existent. When I'm up there, I cannot escape the spotlight; all eyes are on me, and that is an extremely uncomfortable place for me to be. While I've been forced to improve in this area, I'm still not where I want to be. I have been keeping success at bay for fear of receiving even more recognition than I'm comfortable with. I still feel unworthy of claiming financial independence for myself, and it's a feeling that isn't serving me in any way, shape, or form.

The point of all of this transparency is to say that I've had enough. I'm tired of shrinking away from the light and denying who I really am. I'm tired of settling for less and letting excuses and small victories be enough. I'm tired of being the one that's never truly risked having her heart broken for a chance at love with the right person. I'm tired of always having just barely enough money to get by and travel to a couple of places. I'm tired of giving away my power to people who don't deserve it, and I'm especially tired of putting my own health at risk just because I'm scared of someone else feeling insecure around me. I'm tired of feeling unworthy, period.

With that being said, I'm reclaiming the little girl inside of me that didn't care what anyone said or thought, and letting her inspire my young-adult self. I deserve all the success and love in the world. My dreams and my happiness are worth fighting for; I am worth fighting for. I won't be an easy target for interested suitors. If you're intimidated or feel insecure around me, I refuse to take any further responsibility for that; it's your issue, not mine. I won't do that guilt trip shit to myself anymore. I'm a tall amazon woman, and I absolutely love being one! I don't care how long it takes me to become financially independent--I will get there.

I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be...but that's part of the fun ;) It's time for me to get out of my own way and claim my rightful place in the spotlight.