I will begin by prefacing this to the best of my abilities, by admitting that I have always, always wanted to present myself to the world as someone who has it all together...as someone who is constantly grounded and at peace with themselves, as someone whose confidence never waivers, as someone who knows everything and has all the answers for every situation that arises, whether it's mine or someone else's, and especially as someone who isn't broken in any way, shape, or form. So much of my suffering in this life has come from this overwhelming need to keep myself "safe" and appear perfect in the eyes of others at all costs.
A beautiful angel in human form recently came into my life to help wake me up from the illusion of perfection I've tried so hard all my life to maintain with a resounding, painful slap to the face. After the shock of said slap, nauseating anger welled up inside of my belly like molten lava, about ready to erupt and cause irreparable damage to everyone and every thing in its path. I hadn't felt anger like this since I was a teenager, which angered me even further because I thought I had surpassed all of it. I was angry for many reasons; for being reminded of childhood hurts, for feeling underestimated and patronized, but most of all, I was angry for being seen for who I actually was instead of who I wanted to project, and this person triggered one of my deepest and most powerful insecurities--the belief that I am not good enough.
Then came the shame, because I realized that I have participated in this type of dynamic for my entire life, all the while being blind and unable to understand why none of the boys I liked ever liked me back. Until now, I had always blamed it on the other person for not seeing my greatness, but this whole time it has been me not seeing or believing my own. I can now see with painful clarity how this one deep-seeded belief has shaped my entire world...all the not-so-graceful experiences and how I reacted to them. Because of this belief, I have tried over and over again with embarrassing desperation to prove my worth and "lovability" to absolutely no avail. On the flip side, because of this belief I have used my body as a way to gain a twisted sense of power over people who were attracted to me and not vice versa. I said yes to people I wanted and needed to say no to, all because it was enough to feel like someone wanted me. Now I know it was only just one more way of trying to prove my worth to myself and the world. "See guys?? Someone wants me...I AM lovable!" Sigh.
There's been lots of breaking happening in my life these days; an angel in England broke my heart open, and now another angel has seen right through my walls and broken them down from the outside in, so that I may begin to heal myself from the inside out. The truth is, there are parts of me that are undeniably broken. My room is often in a state of chaos, I use sugar to mask my emotional pain, I sometimes try too hard and search for outside validation to make myself feel better. I often procrastinate and ignore my soul's urges to express itself through art in any of its forms, I sometimes smudge the truth of how I feel in the presence of others, I greatly fear intimacy and vulnerability, and I just flat out have daddy issues. I'm so tired; tired of being angry, tired of blaming others, tired of feeling the need to shove all of my accomplishments and positive attributes in people's faces, tired of feeling unlovable, and above all, I'm tired of using so much precious energy to maintain a facade that is inauthentic in order to avoid the pain of someone judging my brokenness. I surrender...I don't want this anymore,
After ruminating over this for a while and finally having acknowledged and accepted the darkest parts of myself, ironically I feel just a little less broken...that maybe there is a certain beauty and strength in admitting my deepest fears out loud where everyone can see and hear them. I feel much more grounded in my authentic self now that I know I don't have to try so damn hard and have started to let go of my walls and all the pain that made me put them there. I feel naked and bare and raw and scared, but I know that this feels right. My work is far from being done, but this little bud is beginning to bloom and shine a little bit brighter.
I don't always have it all together and I don't always feel grounded or at peace, and I sometimes doubt myself and the extent of my true capabilities. But here's to daring to believe that I am enough, exactly as I am...broken and beautiful.
Usually the words inspire the art, but this time the art inspired the words.
Mixed media, November 2014
