I've believed for a while now that true happiness is cultivated from the foundation of being able to be completely alone and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. While I've always thought this to be logical and true on an intellectual level, I was recently forced to put this belief to the test when my family went on a ten-day road trip, leaving me by myself to tend to all the responsibilities of running a household. Not only did they leave me with all the chores, they also left me to meet myself for in essence, the first time.
Before they left, I was flying high. I thought to myself, I'll be fine..I've traveled alone, explored different countries, lived with complete strangers, this will be great! But then the day of their departure came and a flood of fear washed into my stomach, especially after the realization that I had never actually been on my own for longer than three or four days. With this in tow, ten days seemed like an eternity. I knew I was going to spend a LOT of time watering our jungle-like garden and taking care of the family chickens (and little Meesha), but aside from working night shifts, I was freaking out about how to fill in the cracks when the responsibilities weren't consuming my focus. I've always thought of myself as a highly independent person, so these fears completely blindsided me.
For the first three days, I have to admit that I was a little bit miserable. I blasted music throughout the house to drown out the silence, spent as much time at work as possible without seeming completely needy, and watched movies in my down time. I tried my best to invite friends over to fill the void of my family being gone, but only one plan followed through, so ultimately I was forced to face my days alone. I did essentially everything possible to distract myself, and I felt so pathetic. I've always liked my space and alone time...why did this feel so different? What was I trying so hard not to look at?
After day four, my fears began to subside and I started enjoying the fact that I had the whole house to myself. By day six, I was on cloud nine. I stopped blasting music, chose to stay away from the computer most of the time, and happily came home after work to an empty house. I felt like I could finally be completely present and tap into the spirit of the experience. By day eight I was looking up and interviewing for apartments/rooms for rent in Pasadena, and getting excited about the idea of moving out to expand on these new found feelings of control and freedom. By day ten, I was bummed that I didn't have more time to hang out by myself, but also happy that I could share everything that had happened with my family.
I don't really know what changed between day three and day four, but all I know is that I came face to face with myself and I liked what I saw in the reflection. I learned so much about myself and how I function when I'm on my own, and I have so much respect for that person. I developed a humorous relationship with myself and the Universe, and as a result, I feel like those relationships became more profound.
Some of my favorite memories during those ten days were singing at the top of my lungs and laughing like a maniac whenever my voice broke or I hit a wrong note, and dancing like a dork in front of the mirror with my skivvies on only to erupt in boisterous laughter at how ridiculous I was making myself look. I loved finding out that I can crack myself up even if there isn't anyone else around to laugh with me (or at me ;) ), and that I can shake my head and snicker when the Universe decides to throw me a curve ball. I became hyper-responsible with my duties around the house, and it permeated into the other areas of my life as well. I got out of bed at 7am or earlier (a normally very rare occurrence) every morning to feed the chickens and the pup, water the garden, keep track of Mom's bills, cook myself healthy vegan meals, do my homework for the TEFL course, exercise, write in my journal, meditate, and get ahead of things. I could not believe how focused I could be if I really set my mind to it, even though this time around it was mostly out of necessity.
Life flowed during those ten days, and it continues to flow easily even now because I've tasted how freedom feels and the flavor hasn't yet faded. Those mere ten days have prepared me to fly the coop and see how well my newbie wings can handle the blustery winds change can sometimes bring. Am I scared and nervous to finally move out and live pretty much on my own? Absolutely. But I know this is something I have (and want) to do for the person I'm meant to become.
I realize in hindsight that I wasn't just taking care of the house, but that I was also cultivating a home inside of myself. For the first time in my life, I feel at home in my own body, in my own being. Home isn't just where my family is, or just in Italy; it's wherever I go. I know now in the deepest part of my soul that in order to be truly present and unconditionally loving with others, I have to be present and unconditionally loving with myself first.
And just like that, happiness alighted itself softly onto my shoulders like a butterfly and revealed it's incomprehensible beauty in the still, still silence.
