The Merger

I’ve noticed something funny about my name since I’ve been in Europe, and that’s that my name is…well… funny. If I would have always lived my life in the States, I never would have thought such a thing, but here in Europe it’s a topic of interest. I’ve now been to four countries, and in each country they pronounce my name differently, none of them being truly “correct” from my point of view but it’s entertaining. The English pronounce it without the ‘r’ at the end (Heathe), the French pronounce it with a ‘z’ instead of the ‘th’ and roll the ‘r’ in the way that the French do (Hezairr), the Swiss/German add a bit of a ‘d’ to the ‘th’ (heatder) and the Italians completely ignore the ‘h’ at the beginning, the ‘th’ becomes a ‘t’, and they roll the ‘r’ at the end (Etterr). One little piccola italian girl has even gone so far as to call me “eater” like we would pronounce it in American English. That particular pronunciation I’m not very fond of (and it's the only one I've corrected), but in any case it’s amusing for me to see how one name can turn into "many".

Speaking of different names, last year, as some of you know, I came into contact with my Italian name, Erica. If you aren't familiar with this particular story, click here to get caught up. Anyway, when I first heard this name I felt very proud and told every Italian or Italian speaker that my name was Erica because it felt really cool to feel like I had an Italian counterpart. This "Erica" person was the best part of me, in my opinion, and resembled the kind of person "Heather" wanted to be; simple, easy-going, light-hearted, confident, direct and decisive. I identified highly with this name and actually at one point started to prefer Europeans calling me Erica, not only because it was easier for them to pronounce, but also because I liked her better than myself at the time.

I am one of those people who finds a message in pretty much everything, so when my mother sent me two little descriptions on what each of my names mean, I was amazed. Each of the descriptions fit me almost perfectly, and I'll post them here below:

Heather: Your name of Heather makes you easy-going and refined, but detracts from your physical vitality. You desire all the finer things in life--lovely clothes, home, furniture, and environment. However, procrastination is your worst enemy, and you find yourself lacking the ambition to make your dreams a reality often because of lack of confidence. People are inclined to take advantage of your sympathetic, tractable nature. You naturally attract people with problems who seek your understanding and advice. Though the name Heather creates the urge to understand and help others, we emphasize that it causes procrastination, lack of confidence, and the inability to realize your goals and ambitions. 

Erica: Your name of Erica makes you very idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones. Although the name Erica creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes an emotional intensity that is hard to control. 

As you can see, the two are completely different, and the funny thing is that I really felt like two different people; when I was Erica and when I was Heather. The strange thing, though, is that this year I no longer hear the name "Erica". It's as if everyone forgot that I had a second name, and it's made me think about why this time she's not in my life. Well, I did hear it once in Switzerland, but it felt like an alien name; a name I could no longer identify with, a name that no longer filled me with pride and joy like it did before. And then one day it suddenly hit me--the two different parts of me have merged into one.

After ruminating over this for a while, I realized that this merger happened way before I got to Italy in June. It started months before, when I started taking better care of myself. It began with putting more of my heart and soul into my room, adorning the unfinished parts with bright colors and creative designs, making my room a truer expression of myself. Even though it was literally only some changes to my room, it felt like I was making changes within myself, painting my soul with vibrancy, creativity, and life. It began when I started taking better care of my body, setting goals to eat healthier, lose weight, and exercise regularly. As it turned out, losing weight was not only a physical journey for me, but a mental and emotional one. It wasn't until I started reading A Course in Weight Loss, by Marianne Williamson that I realized each of the reasons why I was overeating. This gave me a completely new perspective and understanding of myself and life in general, but most of all, it allowed me to be more patient and loving with myself in a way that I'd never been before.

And then the last big event I can think of that deeply affected my character was when I released the need to be the "oldest", the smartest, the best, etc. My sisters played a huge part in helping me become the person I am today, because it was they who brought it all to my attention. Actually they always have, but I wasn't ready to hear it until a short time ago. For example, I was always known as the uptight one of the family, the one with a short temper and the one who got offended really easily, and it was for this reason that I never truly felt loved by my own family. It wasn't until my sisters and I had a very long, painful yet meaningful conversation that I saw it from a different perspective. I realized that I was causing this distance between my family members and I, and that I needed to be better than them, therefore pushing them away. I was uptight because I thought I had to be somebody else around them, and the two (the real me and the fake me) clashed--bad. It was only after this realization that I could let go of the person I thought I needed to be and just become myself. I will always be grateful to them for loving me enough to always tell me the truth, even when it isn't pretty.

With these three, very big changes in my life, I can see why the two names merged. I've started becoming the person I've always wanted to be, releasing the need for anyone "else" to be in my life. I will always be grateful to Erica for showing me a much more simple, joyous way of life in my time of need; a life without the stress of family dynamics, weight issues, and lack of self-love. She infused this lively way of being into my soul, and there is where she will stay. I still have issues to work through, and I may always be emotionally intense, get too involved in other people's problems, and procrastinate when I shouldn't, but I love seeing the changes that I choose to make come to life on a daily/monthly/yearly basis.

So I'm here to present to you who I am, the good and the not so good, whether you accept me or not. Hello world, my name is Heather, and even if you can't pronounce it correctly, Heather I shall remain.