As I grew up, I did a bit (ok...a lot) of both. I became very withdrawn emotionally, never letting anyone get too close, and I lashed out at the very people I should have been seeking comfort from. I continued to isolate myself by concealing my pain with lying, stealing, cheating on my tests at school (and getting caught), forging my parent's signatures, overeating, and making myself very unpopular by having absolutely no tact when speaking to others. This is how I chose to guard my heart as a young girl. Instead of letting life open me up to the world, I shrunk down and hid in fear of further pain.
As I became older, I started attracting people, things and experiences that slowly but surely started helping me see things from a different perspective…that maybe the way I’d been doing things was causing myself and others more harm than good. One day I came across one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever read, by way of a simple yet gorgeous painting done my by stepmother. It read:
This quote shook me to my very core and I resonated with its meaning in such a profound way, that it has remained in the forefront of my mind ever since I first lay eyes on it. It was one of the catalysts that made me realize that I was in more pain by cutting myself off from the world around me and staying safe than I was by adventuring out into it with open arms.
Although this quote (among other beautiful pieces of writing) inspired me to become more open, the change wasn’t about to happen overnight. I started branching out as best I knew how to other people by way of school activities, youth groups, being on sports teams...and then onto studying abroad and traveling to places I’d only ever read about, meeting people from various parts of the world and learning a new language, and eventually falling in love with a different country than the one I grew up in. All of this helped me slowly start to trust that not everything would go to hell if I had a genuine feeling or two.
This year, however, has been a milestone year for me in the sense that I’ve consistently attracted people and experiences that have pushed me far beyond the comfort zones I’ve surrounded myself with since I was a little girl. I’ve been forced to grow, change, and bare my soul to others in ways that I never thought I would, and to become more comfortable with the uncomfortable. While I’ve had a lot of practice this year and have improved tremendously, I still have a long way to go. I do feel, though, that I made some impressive progress this past week while visiting a friend in England.
Before leaving for this beautiful place, I was in huge resistance for reasons I will refrain from mentioning, but no matter what was going on on the surface of this resistance, I think deep down my ego subconsciously knew that something major was about to happen. When I arrived in the very lush, green, southwest part of England, the resistance had faded away, and what awaited me was a group of some of the most amazing individuals I have yet come across in this lifetime.
I don’t quite understand what happened on an intellectual level or why it happened when it did, but all I know is that this group of people cracked my heart wide open and nestled themselves snugly into the very depths of the chasm they unknowingly created. I explored and reveled in these connections with an openness unparalleled to anything I’ve ever let myself experience, and I felt with an intensity I never thought possible. I laughed and cried and listened and shared and laughed some more. I was incomprehensibly open, open to feel every single emotion that went through me: surprise, happiness, lust, love, joy, gratitude, twinges of jealousy, judgment, confusion, awe, fear, embarrassment, upset, attachment, discomfort, and intrigue…And I let myself feel without needing to feel anything other than what I was feeling in that moment. I almost didn’t recognize myself, and it still feels a bit surreal to have watched myself fall in love with these people without more than a second’s notice.
And then I left them, as is custom when you are only visiting, and it wasn’t until I made my departure that I realized how much of myself I had left behind with them…that I left a piece of my heart with every single one of those gorgeous people, and for the first time in a really long time, my heart broke. And the thing about heartbreak is that it hurts like a bitch. These things called tears trickled down my cheeks at random times throughout the day as I thought about how much I already missed them, and for a short time I was angry for allowing myself to become so attached.
This…this is what I realized I have always been afraid of, and why I have continually kept most people at an arm’s distance. I’ve been terrified of making extremely meaningful connections and falling in love with someone, only to then feel their absence so profoundly when you or the other person leaves (either by force or by choice). It is incredibly scary to give your heart to someone and surrender a life of comfort, not knowing whether or not it will last, because it makes you vulnerable and incredibly susceptible to copious amounts of pain and heartbreak. Until now, I didn’t think I would be able to handle it…but that’s part of what makes this so important; I learned that I can feel both joy and pain deeply and still come out alive, if not more so, on the other side. I learned that while I’ve always resented the fact that I’ve attracted emotionally unavailable men, it’s me who’s been emotionally unavailable this whole entire time.
So here’s the most important thing I learned in England this time around, in a nutshell: there are consequences to living life with an open heart, and those consequences hurt…big time. But here’s the clincher—it’s worth it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If I would have kept my heart twice as guarded to avoid the pain, I would have felt half the joy, half the passion, and half the happiness, and what’s the fun in that? Now that I’ve experienced life like this, I can never truly go back to being as guarded and hesitant as I once was…it just wouldn’t be good enough. I want to fully embrace everything this life has to offer…the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the triumphs and the losses. I want to give the world my whole heart and soul, even when it doesn’t make any sense, and risk looking like a fool for love. I want to be able to look back when I'm old and grey and take solace in knowing that I truly lived. I know now that my heart is strong enough to brave the calm and the storms of this life.
The day has come; I no longer want to remain tight in a bud.
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