The Consequences of Having an Open Heart

Every single one of us on this beautiful Earth of ours goes through painful experiences, whether it's pain caused by family, friends, a boyfriend or girlfriend, bullies, or a mixture of all of these and more, no one escapes this life unscathed. As a result, most of us learn to start guarding our hearts and to withdraw by either isolating ourselves or lashing out, finding any way possible to dull the pain and prevent it from ever hurting to the same degree it did the first time.

As I grew up, I did a bit (ok...a lot) of both. I became very withdrawn emotionally, never letting anyone get too close, and I lashed out at the very people I should have been seeking comfort from. I continued to isolate myself by concealing my pain with lying, stealing, cheating on my tests at school (and getting caught), forging my parent's signatures, overeating, and making myself very unpopular by having absolutely no tact when speaking to others. This is how I chose to guard my heart as a young girl. Instead of letting life open me up to the world, I shrunk down and hid in fear of further pain.  

As I became older, I started attracting people, things and experiences that slowly but surely started helping me see things from a different perspective…that maybe the way I’d been doing things was causing myself and others more harm than good. One day I came across one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever read, by way of a simple yet gorgeous painting done my by stepmother. It read:

“And the day came when the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk it took to open.” –Anais Nin. 

This quote shook me to my very core and I resonated with its meaning in such a profound way, that it has remained in the forefront of my mind ever since I first lay eyes on it. It was one of the catalysts that made me realize that I was in more pain by cutting myself off from the world around me and staying safe than I was by adventuring out into it with open arms.

Although this quote (among other beautiful pieces of writing) inspired me to become more open, the change wasn’t about to happen overnight. I started branching out as best I knew how to other people by way of school activities, youth groups, being on sports teams...and then onto studying abroad and traveling to places I’d only ever read about, meeting people from various parts of the world and learning a new language, and eventually falling in love with a different country than the one I grew up in. All of this helped me slowly start to trust that not everything would go to hell if I had a genuine feeling or two.  

This year, however, has been a milestone year for me in the sense that I’ve consistently attracted people and experiences that have pushed me far beyond the comfort zones I’ve surrounded myself with since I was a little girl. I’ve been forced to grow, change, and bare my soul to others in ways that I never thought I would, and to become more comfortable with the uncomfortable. While I’ve had a lot of practice this year and have improved tremendously, I still have a long way to go. I do feel, though, that I made some impressive progress this past week while visiting a friend in England.

Before leaving for this beautiful place, I was in huge resistance for reasons I will refrain from mentioning, but no matter what was going on on the surface of this resistance, I think deep down my ego subconsciously knew that something major was about to happen. When I arrived in the very lush, green, southwest part of England, the resistance had faded away, and what awaited me was a group of some of the most amazing individuals I have yet come across in this lifetime.

I don’t quite understand what happened on an intellectual level or why it happened when it did, but all I know is that this group of people cracked my heart wide open and nestled themselves snugly into the very depths of the chasm they unknowingly created. I explored and reveled in these connections with an openness unparalleled to anything I’ve ever let myself experience, and I felt with an intensity I never thought possible. I laughed and cried and listened and shared and laughed some more. I was incomprehensibly open, open to feel every single emotion that went through me: surprise, happiness, lust, love, joy, gratitude, twinges of jealousy, judgment, confusion, awe, fear, embarrassment, upset, attachment, discomfort, and intrigue…And I let myself feel without needing to feel anything other than what I was feeling in that moment. I almost didn’t recognize myself, and it still feels a bit surreal to have watched myself fall in love with these people without more than a second’s notice.

And then I left them, as is custom when you are only visiting, and it wasn’t until I made my departure that I realized how much of myself I had left behind with them…that I left a piece of my heart with every single one of those gorgeous people, and for the first time in a really long time, my heart broke. And the thing about heartbreak is that it hurts like a bitch. These things called tears trickled down my cheeks at random times throughout the day as I thought about how much I already missed them, and for a short time I was angry for allowing myself to become so attached.

This…this is what I realized I have always been afraid of, and why I have continually kept most people at an arm’s distance. I’ve been terrified of making extremely meaningful connections and falling in love with someone, only to then feel their absence so profoundly when you or the other person leaves (either by force or by choice). It is incredibly scary to give your heart to someone and surrender a life of comfort, not knowing whether or not it will last, because it makes you vulnerable and incredibly susceptible to copious amounts of pain and heartbreak. Until now, I didn’t think I would be able to handle it…but that’s part of what makes this so important; I learned that I can feel both joy and pain deeply and still come out alive, if not more so, on the other side. I learned that while I’ve always resented the fact that I’ve attracted emotionally unavailable men, it’s me who’s been emotionally unavailable this whole entire time.

So here’s the most important thing I learned in England this time around, in a nutshell: there are consequences to living life with an open heart, and those consequences hurt…big time. But here’s the clincher—it’s worth it, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If I would have kept my heart twice as guarded to avoid the pain, I would have felt half the joy, half the passion, and half the happiness, and what’s the fun in that? Now that I’ve experienced life like this, I can never truly go back to being as guarded and hesitant as I once was…it just wouldn’t be good enough. I want to fully embrace everything this life has to offer…the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the triumphs and the losses. I want to give the world my whole heart and soul, even when it doesn’t make any sense, and risk looking like a fool for love. I want to be able to look back when I'm old and grey and take solace in knowing that I truly lived. I know now that my heart is strong enough to brave the calm and the storms of this life.

The day has come; I no longer want to remain tight in a bud.

Alone & ...Happy?

I've believed for a while now that true happiness is cultivated from the foundation of being able to be completely alone and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. While I've always thought this to be logical and true on an intellectual level, I was recently forced to put this belief to the test when my family went on a ten-day road trip, leaving me by myself to tend to all the responsibilities of running a household. Not only did they leave me with all the chores, they also left me to meet myself for in essence, the first time.

Before they left, I was flying high. I thought to myself, I'll be fine..I've traveled alone, explored different countries, lived with complete strangers, this will be great! But then the day of their departure came and a flood of fear washed into my stomach, especially after the realization that I had never actually been on my own for longer than three or four days. With this in tow, ten days seemed like an eternity. I knew I was going to spend a LOT of time watering our jungle-like garden and taking care of the family chickens (and little Meesha), but aside from working night shifts, I was freaking out about how to fill in the cracks when the responsibilities weren't consuming my focus. I've always thought of myself as a highly independent person, so these fears completely blindsided me.

For the first three days, I have to admit that I was a little bit miserable. I blasted music throughout the house to drown out the silence, spent as much time at work as possible without seeming completely needy, and watched movies in my down time. I tried my best to invite friends over to fill the void of my family being gone, but only one plan followed through, so ultimately I was forced to face my days alone. I did essentially everything possible to distract myself, and I felt so pathetic. I've always liked my space and alone time...why did this feel so different? What was I trying so hard not to look at?

After day four, my fears began to subside and I started enjoying the fact that I had the whole house to myself. By day six, I was on cloud nine. I stopped blasting music, chose to stay away from the computer most of the time, and happily came home after work to an empty house. I felt like I could finally be completely present and tap into the spirit of the experience. By day eight I was looking up and interviewing for apartments/rooms for rent in Pasadena, and getting excited about the idea of moving out to expand on these new found feelings of control and freedom. By day ten, I was bummed that I didn't have more time to hang out by myself, but also happy that I could share everything that had happened with my family.

I don't really know what changed between day three and day four, but all I know is that I came face to face with myself and I liked what I saw in the reflection. I learned so much about myself and how I function when I'm on my own, and I have so much respect for that person. I developed a humorous relationship with myself and the Universe, and as a result, I feel like those relationships became more profound.

Some of my favorite memories during those ten days were singing at the top of my lungs and laughing like a maniac whenever my voice broke or I hit a wrong note, and dancing like a dork in front of the mirror with my skivvies on only to erupt in boisterous laughter at how ridiculous I was making myself look. I loved finding out that I can crack myself up even if there isn't anyone else around to laugh with me (or at me ;) ), and that I can shake my head and snicker when the Universe decides to throw me a curve ball. I became hyper-responsible with my duties around the house, and it permeated into the other areas of my life as well. I got out of bed at 7am or earlier (a normally very rare occurrence) every morning to feed the chickens and the pup, water the garden, keep track of Mom's bills, cook myself healthy vegan meals, do my homework for the TEFL course, exercise, write in my journal, meditate, and get ahead of things. I could not believe how focused I could be if I really set my mind to it, even though this time around it was mostly out of necessity.

Life flowed during those ten days, and it continues to flow easily even now because I've tasted how freedom feels and the flavor hasn't yet faded. Those mere ten days have prepared me to fly the coop and see how well my newbie wings can handle the blustery winds change can sometimes bring. Am I scared and nervous to finally move out and live pretty much on my own? Absolutely. But I know this is something I have (and want) to do for the person I'm meant to become.

I realize in hindsight that I wasn't just taking care of the house, but that I was also cultivating a home inside of myself. For the first time in my life, I feel at home in my own body, in my own being. Home isn't just where my family is, or just in Italy; it's wherever I go. I know now in the deepest part of my soul that in order to be truly present and unconditionally loving with others, I have to be present and unconditionally loving with myself first.

And just like that, happiness alighted itself softly onto my shoulders like a butterfly and revealed it's incomprehensible beauty in the still, still silence.

Out of the Closet

There has been a lot going on lately regarding gay rights and the resistance that's come along with deciding whether or not it should be allowed (again). After what happened with Chik-Fil-A, I was inspired to write about gay rights in general, seeing as I've never written about it for fear of being thought gay myself by others...but then I realized that what others think of me is really none of my business.

Before I dive in, however, I want to make a disclaimer. By writing this blog, I am only stating my own truth and sharing what my personal beliefs are. My intention is not to bash anyone else's or make them wrong or bad. I am here to express myself creatively from a place of love. If you agree with me, that's great; if not, that's okay too--we all have a right to our own thoughts and feelings.

Now that that's been said, I will begin. This topic hits close to home, and when I say close, I mean an asteroid just blew up our house. As most of my peers from high school and beyond know, my mom is lesbian. Yes boys and girls, she likes women. She has been with her partner since I was three years old, so the gay issue has been an ongoing steady presence in my life. In the beginning, it was normal to me and felt completely normal, other than the fact that my father was heartbroken, angry and uptight whenever we (my sisters and I) mentioned the two of them. In my inner world, I couldn't see a problem because I loved them both, and I didn't have the capacity at that time to fully understand the situation.

The first problems I remember encountering in my external world started happening from 6th grade on. Certain people from school started making lude comments about my mom being gay, and that's when  shame welcomed itself into my conscious emotions, and made me feel like who my mom was, was wrong. I thought I had been secretive and selective of who I told along the way, but when 8th grade came around and a popular girl caught wind of this, it spread like wildfire. This shame and anger made me say and do things that I was not proud of to the people that made fun of my mom and of me. Some of those actions made me really unpopular with my peers, and I understand why. I was really mean and lashed out, all because I was scared of people thinking that I was the same way and liked girls.

It wasn't until junior and senior year of high school that my inner world started to calm down around the issue. Once I was fully capable of understanding what was going on and feeling a little more comfortable in my own skin, I accepted my mom and her partner for who they were, individually and as a couple. I knew deep down that just because my mom loved a woman didn't mean that I was the same way. Ironically, the minute I became comfortable with the idea, external comments started to fade, because I didn't give them any emotional power. It also helped that my sisters were there the last two years of my high school career; I didn't have to brave it completely alone :)

Needless to say, my journey to acceptance of this issue wasn't an easy one, even when my own mother was part of it, so I understand that not everyone will have or has had an easy time with it. Nowadays, if anyone asks what my family life is like, I'll tell them; I don't have any more qualms regarding my mother's sexual orientation. And as a side note, I'm proud to say that my mom and her partner are still together after 18 years, and are better than ever :) I think that's more than most hetero marriages can account for...just a guess.

When the whole drama with Chik-Fil-A first came out (no pun intended), I have to admit: I was really angry...angrier than I've been with most other anti-gay campaigns. I've never given too much emotional thought to the battle of gay rights in the past, since both of my moms never really gave a hoot about all the hooyah. But I guess this particular campaign caught me at a weak moment, because I was MAD. I thought, seriously? Thousands of people are buying greasy, fatty foods to support this anti-gay company (or rather, the CEO who is anti-gay marriage)?! It just didn't make any sense to me, and I was especially offended by "friends" on Facebook, posting statuses such as, "isn't their leadership great?", blah blah blah. This lead to making feisty comments and loud posts stating my beliefs (which I hardly ever do), which brought me to some intense self-reflection and deep thought. If I had never been this wound up over things of this manner, why was this time different?

I started thinking in terms of the world, not limited to gay rights, because throughout our whole history, we've had uprisings and suppressors of every kind: battle with women's rights and chauvinistic males, abolishment of slavery and slave holders, battle with black rights (after they were no longer slaves on a wide scale) against whites, and now we have moved on to gay rights against religious leaders and politicians. The thing that made my anger fizzle out was the realization that every single one of these battles was won at some point: women received rights, slavery was abolished, blacks eventually ceased to be segregated, and I'm confident that gay's right to marriage will no longer be an issue in the near future.

What each of these groups in the past were doing, was fighting for freedom and the chance to live like they wanted to live without being told what they could and couldn't do, where they could or couldn't go, or who they could or couldn't be. And the worst part is, hate is learned. We are not born hating others, we are taught to do so by our families, our peers, our leaders, etc. to hate certain things, groups of people, and ideas through stereotypes, personal experience, and fear. The best part is, because we learn it, we can also un-learn it.

I heard someone say once that one of the reasons they promote hating certain groups (like gays), is because hate brings people together. While that is obviously true on some level (I mean, just look at how many people went to buy some chicken), the part that bothers me is that people are being "brought together" at the expense of another; someone has to be left out in order for this to happen. Love, on the other hand, leaves out no one. Love is the only force that truly brings people together of every gender, race, sexual orientation, and class.

I get it; it's a lot easier to hate than it is to love for most people, because when you're hating, you're not paying attention to how you're really feeling, which is probably scared, hurt, confused, jealous, or something close to it. Have I hated on certain people and groups before? Yes. I'm not perfect. But what I realized is that whatever or whoever I was hating on only reflected my own fears, insecurities and anger (which all go hand in hand, by the way). We are all human and trying to find our way through this world as best as we know how.

At the end of the day, I don't really believe it's about gay marriage, women vs. men or black vs. white. I believe those are all just surface issues, concealing the core issue of humanity. I believe the core issue we all face is deciding how to live our lives in the most true, authentic way, where we are following our passions, and knowing that that is enough; that WE are enough, exactly the way we are. I have found that when I am happy and living my life the way I want to, I don't have the time nor desire to hate anybody or make people's choices in life my business. It's only when I feel trapped or stuck or inferior that I turn to that stuff to try and make my ego feel better, even though it doesn't really work in the long run.

Having a gay mom has had it's ups and downs, just like every family has, but I appreciate what life lessons it's taught me. Instead of screwing up my life and making me gay, contrary to popular belief, it has made me more accepting and open-minded to those different from myself. I strive to be more accepting every day, especially of myself. I don't always agree with everybody or approve of what they do, but it's THEIR life to live, not mine; their life is none of my business and doesn't affect me unless I let it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to live more and more in love, and less and less in fear. I want to live more as my authentic self on my own unique life path, and let others do the same, wherever they are on theirs. I choose freedom, and all responsibility that comes with it.

The beauty of humanity is this: the human spirit cannot be suppressed forever. Control and hate may be powerful for a while, but it never wins in the end. Humans will always fight to be free, and free they will be.