Long Overdue Gratitude

I've been debating whether or not to make this public, but obviously I've opted to. I figure I've publicized my anger towards my dad, so why not publicize the gratitude? For those of you who know what kind of drama I've been through with my dad, this will be a refreshing change for you to see. For those of you who don't, consider that a blessing ;) Here's a letter I sent him yesterday...yes, a written letter from Italy to the US.

Dear Dad,
      I was walking around everywhere trying to find some nice stationary paper to write on but I couldn't find any. Apparently letter-writing is a dying art so I'm forced to write on boring lined paper--sorry! Anyway, as you might know, I'm in Italy now and have been for about two and a half weeks. It's gorgeous here...the pictures you see don't do it any justice, that's for sure! The streets are quite narrow and the cobblestone roads are a pain in the ass for the ankles, but the constant walking around makes for some great exercise (and toned legs! :)). The men are beautiful, but they're not as aggressive as everyone says they are. I feel like that's what everyone expects so they attract that into their experience--they have a bad reputation and in my opinion it's an unfair one. But maybe it's just me.
      Since I've been here, I've changed. I can feel it already, and one of the things I've been thinking about lately is you. I'm really tired of feeling angry, resentful, and negative towards you, especially when people ask me about my dad. Maybe it's because I'm in Italy, but I want to see the beauty in everything, and I mean EVERYTHING.
       Last week, I started a 12-week "program" called The Artist's Way (it's a book). Each week there are certain tasks assigned to be completed within that week, each with a specific focus. The major theme is unblocking creativity and allowing yourself to be creative in whatever area of life you need it for (which in my opinion is every area) in a spiritual manner. One of the tasks in this first week was to write a thank you letter to a former mentor who was a positive influence on your creativity, but when I read that, you were the first person to pop into my head. So here I am, writing you to thank you for the positive influences you've had on my life.
       Thank you for always taking the time to prepare meals for us growing up. For waking us up in the morning and making breakfast, packing our lunches for school and having a beautiful dinner made every night. I've always been spoiled with home-cooked meals, and GREAT ones at that! I think it's really inspired me to cook for myself and get really good at it--you would be proud--I've become quite the cook this year. It's become a passion of mine and I owe you some credit after all those years of yummy meals. I've come to appreciate a man who can cook :)
       Thank you for being such a great artist. I know it's been a really rough path for you, but I feel blessed to have been around such creativity no matter the difficulty. I feel that much of my talent has come naturally just by watching you do what you do. It's also been a bragging right for me growing up, showing my classmates what "my daddy can do!" It's always rendered "oooooh's" and "ahhhhh's" and impressed facial expressions that always made me feel proud to be your daughter. Your artistic life hasn't been a waste, at least to me.
       I loved watching you be able to strike up a conversation with anyone, anywhere. It was fun to see how others reacted to your charisma and charm, as if it were a real rarity, a gift only a select few have--which I think is very true. Not everyone can do that, not even me! I think this is one of the reasons I've always been attracted to outgoing people, because my daddy was that way. I think it's amazing how long you could keep a conversation going and still look like you were having a great time. People love great conversationalists, and so do I.
      I really appreciate your sense of humor. You taught me how to laugh without restraint and be proud of that laughter. Some of the best memories I have of us as a family are those in which we're all laughing at something ridiculous. Your laugh always made me laugh even harder because it was so gut-wrenchingly contagious. I feel like you're the reason I laugh like I do. It's real, it's loud, and it's frequent, like yours. When people give me dirty looks for it or tell me something "wasn't that funny," I just chuckle to myself and think, "you guys just don't get it." I love being able to laugh at everything, and REALLY laugh because I think life is genuinely hilarious. So thank you for being such a great example for that.
      On the other side of the spectrum, I appreciate your sensitivity; for being comfortable showing pain and sadness, occasionally through tears. You wear your emotions on your sleeve, and now that I'm older and have experienced and encountered different types of people, I realize how rare that is in a man. There are so many men that are taught that it's wrong to cry and show emotion and that it's not "manly" enough, and I'm so glad you've always been open with your feelings. Thank you for not being "too manly" to show your insides.
      Thank you for everything you have sacrificed for me and the girls. I realize now that you gave up a whole lot for us, and I understand what kind of a toll that can take on a person. You gave up your motorcycle, your dream, to buy a washer and dryer; to start a family with Mom. And that takes a lot of guts; a lot of love. And because I finally understand what it's like to have dreams and put everything, all of your soul, into it, I can fully understand your anger. It makes sense why, after everything was ripped out from under you, that you broke down and started resenting everyone and everything. You're hurt, and sad, and angry, and I get it. I would be too.
       I forgive you, Daddy, for everything. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. Yes, even the not-so-great things and the negative influences. I can see the beauty in the life you've shown me, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without any and all of it. I'm learning to love myself, even with the broken parts. I love who I am and I'm grateful for everything that has had an impact, great and small, on my life. I want you to know that I set you free. Free from the angry person I've known you to be; free from the life where you can't have your dreams. I'm setting myself free; from the resentment towards you and men in general, from the person I feel I have to be in order to be loved; from the pain and anger surrounding my childhood through teenage years. I love you, Dad, and I always will. I will always be your little girl. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

                                                                                             Love,
                                                                                                  Heather